aww..

you guys are all so kind.. thank you so much for your wonderful words.

I hope you all had a splendid holiday! I did :)

This week should be a bit less crazy-- and then we weigh in again the first weekend of 2011. We had to shuffle around meetings as the holiday's are/were both on Saturdays (our normal weigh in day) and WW only allows one official weigh in per 7 day period. So, we are all shades of screwed up.

The snacking has been tough - but, I am not going to beat myself up. I enjoyed my holiday, and it wasn't all about food. Next hurtle will be new years eve. I am, again, going to enjoy the day and night- and the time I have with my friends, and food restriction will not be the first thing on my mind.

Thanks again all my blogger friends.. new and old. Good luck to you in your final week of 2010.. and I can't wait to read how everyone is ringing in the new year :)

for realz?

So case worker II came this afternoon.

She wanted to go over all of our criteria.

The list started and ended with: you are looking for adoptive placement.

hmm. aannnndddd? (I said with more of a look than with my fabulous (haha) verbal skills)

Caseworker II went on to say that she was kind of wondering about that because we really would open our chances of getting an infant if we were foster to adopt.

BLINK.

"yes..." I say "we ARE SUPPOSED to be listed as foster to adopt.. just like the conversations we have had, just like the emails that I have sent all stated...." and again I went over what we are open to.

OH! she says....

Okay... well... we have these placements all the time!

ohmyf-inggodareyouf-ingkiddingmewiththis???????

Let me sum up the rest of the meeting:

I kept my cool
I communicated very clearly
I was kind
She listened and wrote things down
I gave her the names of our friends who have had a case that we are very open to mimicking
I explained to still keep us in the safeh@ven list.

I then tested all of our smoke alarms for her... and showed her where the fire extinguisher is.

She left by saying "okay! see you next month - or far before that with a placement!"

I really think we are on the same page now.

I really think this last three months have sucked ass now knowing that we have been on the wrong damn list.

Oh hi--- you again?

Tomorrow is our third visit from a caseworker.


Iknowitwillhappen....someday....I know you all feel it, too.


So, in my "keep busy to avoid obsessing" mode I have created a coupon organizer. Here are a few photos:













Umyeah...I am an 87 year old granny... Nonny has pointed this out more than once in the last month. ;) The categories follow the grocery store we go to. There are also spots for Walgreens, Target and three little spots waiting for the Babies-R-Us c@upons. The front spots are for our groupons, clothing coupons the back cover for hallmark and internet retailer coupons. boooyaaaaahh.


Wait until I show you the glory that are my crafted Christmas gifts. They really don't beat these, though.... handmade Christmas stockings made by Rebstar herself. I swear- her talent has me in awe more than once a day. Last year she also made one for Cosmo.. ADORABLE.







I love flamingos-- and Mic is the campfire queen... she knows us SO well.. awwwwwww

one dozen.

One dozen pounds lost. The last pound was a miracle, pure and simple. If I could have pooped sometime within the week prior it may have been two. TMI? Get over it.

The real reason for this post, though, is to talk about God.

And politics.

haha. not really - well sorta.

This morning we got up at the ass crack of dawn to go to an old catholic church on the west side of Milwaukee that Mic's parents belong to. Mr. K - who I affectionately call Popason only requests the presence of us one day out of the year. This morning it was it.

I don't mind spending my time at a catholic mass. I find it a beautiful ceremony, the music is nice, and there lots of ideas to meditate on. Not to mention the work out.. up down up down up...

I DO feel out of place. This is a very small parish, and everyone knows that Popason and Mamasita's daughter is gay-- and that I am her partner. No one has ever been anything but kind.... otherwise I wouldn't go back. But I just don't feel WELCOME. It isn't the religion - it is the leaders of it.

There is another blog I love to read called Jesus Has Two Daddies... very well written, and he often says things I wish I could. Recently the author has been struggling with his idea of faith and religion and where he fits in. There was a post.. you can find it here in which he shares one of the comments his reader left for him. It was beautifully written and I wish it were something I said. The commenter speaks about his father who, although always stated he was an atheist, was the most christian man he knew. His father would say "As soon as three or more people gather to form a church it stops being about the word and starts being about politics"

Isn't that the truth?

As I sat there in mass this morning- I couldn't help but hear this incredible message of love,faith, peace and social justice... I was so impressed with the words that were flowing out of the priest's mouth. A little voice inside of me kept saying "but really- you aren't welcome here with your partner-in the church leaders eyes you are a sinner".

I wish I were.

Mic and I talk about if our child will have a religious family. It is SO IMPORTANT to me that this child knows faith. Faith in SOMETHING. I would love to be part of a church- Mic is only sort of open to church and ALL of that "sort of" lays in the Unitarian Church- which I adore. I still can pray, I still can have faith and all views are welcomed and celebrated. But it is true.. do the politics drowned out the message? Would it be more beneficial to take our child to the park and on walks and talk about the miracles that the universe has blessed us with? And pray, sing, count our blessings and help others?

This is something that time will tell, and I am pretty sure there will not be a clear answer.

For those of you who have children... are you religious? How do you plan on teaching your child?

2nd time 'round

We got our second call...

As we were getting all set to call the social worker to tell her that "it's a go!"... I got an email from her stating they decided the 2 day old was too high risk. Birth mom had several other tpr's (very recently)... but no prior children with this baby daddy. So, they don't know what he is going to do. Um. Call him. Ask. Not rocket science.

I cried.

I am fine now. It will happen. This little spirit will find his or her way to our hearts and home.

There is a slight possibility that I have gained all 11.8lbs back in the last two days. Did I actually think I wasn't an emotional eater?

hahahahahahah.
right.

For now I look forward to my parents returning from Florida for the holidays. I miss them.

oh my!

As of this morning.. down 11lbs. That is pretty cool. I am very happy with myself for the weight loss.. and wish I didn't get to my all time high when I started because then I would like the number on the scale a lot better.


The dubbya dubbya ladies this time around don't have much of a sense of humor. Apparently fat jokes are frowned upon while getting on the scale. Lighten up ladies. hahhaa. literally.

Thanksgiving was okay. I miss my parents. They are in Florida and wont be back for another couple of weeks to celebrate Christmas-- then back down. Soon I will have pictures to post of my holiday gift craft for 2010. Last year I didn't do one.. the 2008 craft was alright... this year I am excited for making our gifts. My friend Angie is leading the way with her awesome ideas and mine borrowed from etsy. I really really like giving things that are handmade. I feel proud of the time I spent.. and I think people like them as well.

Okay. I have officially blown off laundry for long enough. I leave in 3 hours to go out, and I have no pants or under ware. God I suck SUCK at laundry. Maybe I will go shopping instead :)

you people

are so kind.. taking your time and cheering me on.. I appreciate it SO! awww..

So, we finally met our new social worker. We have been on her case load since the start of October, but this was our first time meeting her.

I *heart* her.

I think she likes us too.

And, for some reason, in my head that makes us feel like we have a better chance.

I also finally figured out what this whole process feels like. It feels like high school when I would be waiting and waiting and waiting for a boy to call. I would look at the phone.. "ring. just ring. just CALL... why isn't he CALLING????".... I would pick up the receiver and make sure there was a dial tone. (pick up the receiver-- just think-- kids don't even know what that is anymore)

THIS waiting is like that. I look at my phone when I have been away from it - if even for a moment. I think I hear it ringing or feel it vibrating when it was nothing.

Just like in high school when that guy never called and I felt so shitty because of it... I can't help but feel that way now. Just head games.

and I know.. I promise... I know that it will happen for us. That the phone will ring when I am least expecting it... probably when it is the most inconvenient.

It is just weird that it is THAT feeling.. yanno?

Right after I had this epiphany, I ate two 1pt chocolate cake things. Connection. YeahIthinkso.

Thanks again, everyone for your support. I look forward to more milestones to post :)

first week of the dubbya dubbya

In the previous times that I went through WW I weighed myself everyday, sometimes twice.
This time I didn't. I thought about it, and then put the scale away again. I didn't want to know. I wanted to make sure I FELT good.. and, other than my period showing up, I felt pretty darn good.

I weighed in today at 6.6lbs down. I do understand a lot of that is water and stuff. But more importantly, I feel a little better.

For that I am happy.

:)

jurl got isssuuueeesss.

I will keep this short:

I work in sales and marketing. I, almost always, bring candy or goodies of some sort to my customers when I make calls.

Today at 3:15 I found myself alone in my shared office. There was 14 lbs of choclate candy 6 feet in front of me.

Has anyone detoxed from, oh, heroin or crack... because I am almost sure what how I was feeling was kinda like that. I was shaking... I had to stop myself from obsessing about it. There may have been salivating involved. I had to physically leave the office and do something else in order not to listen to the devil on my shoulder telling me to go get some. I had to self talk myself off of "the bridge".

As much as I wish this were a made up story... it isn't.

Youbettabelieve this is gonna come up with not-a-doctor tomorrow.

When I am a mom...

So, there are always these things that people who want to be parents think, "I want to do that with/for my child!"

My friend Anne showed me some links to bento boxes in the past, but now I have found a blog that is SUPER CUTE.. and hopefully, when I do have a child in my life this is something cute that I can do for them..

http://www.bentolunch.net/

As a family I want to do this more often:

http://www.geocaching.com/

On top of tons of other things that I think.. AWWWW.. CUTE! I WANNA DO THAT!!!!

How about all the moms/dads/aunts/uncles and peeps with kids in their lives. Are there any special things that you have always thought would be fun... or do NOW to build traditions?

along my journey

Tomorrow I am going to my 2468745th Weight W@tchers meeting in my life. I spoke with not-a-doctor about it. She said she thought it was a good idea.

I can see the good and bad parts about WW. I see that it is yet ANOTHER diet. Obviously life shouldn't be lived on a diet...but I also see it as accountability. I obviously can't be accountable to only myself. I CAN be accountable for eating a plain 1/4 pounder in less than 4 minutes and then an hour later forgetting that I ate it. Yeah. THAT I have down pat. But I can't be accountable for seeing truth on the scale. Even naked. In the morning.

The best I felt about myself since oh.. when I was young and hot and drinking my meals more than eating them was right before I started dating Mic. I had MUCH success on WW. I was slimmer (NOT SLIM) and I felt GOOD. I would go to my weigh-ins. I would write everything down. I ate a ton of veggies and smart protiens... and I had the mindset that I wasn't going to eat all the crap food I can eat to stay within my points. I was eating WELL and staying within my points. That, I find, is a big trap that WW peeps get caught up in. How many 100 calorie packs can I eat and still have McDonald's for dinner AND still stay within my points?

I didn't do that. And I am not going to do it this time, either.

I have a trifecta of accountability this time. I have you, my mish-mosh of moms and dudes and friends who read my blog. I have my not-a-doc who is going to be a source of education, and I will have the dub-dub (WW).

Today I logged into my bank account and coded all my "food". I mean- I coded all the crap food, not grocery, and I added it up. So this total includes lunches, dinners out, movie food..just crap food. Food I could have done without. This total does NOT include groceries.

$296.00

Yup. You read that right. ONE month.

Do you know how much I can do with that. Or, I should say, how much I don't want to do with that... other than sticking it into savings and using it for "maternity" leave.

I am almost ashamed of putting that out there. That is a LOT of food, and a lot of laziness. But I have to. There is nothing gained by glancing over the truth. There it is. The truth.

I know there will always be SOMETHING in that category. We are social people. We go out with friends for dinner. From this moment on, we are doing it smarter.

So, there you have it. Tomorrow at 10:30 I am going to walk into that WW space, and I wont be surprised if they know me by name.

So.. I have this therapist.

Day one is under my belt.

I am a therapy virgin and had no idea what to expect from a "session". Apparently, the first session is snore-ville. The not-a-doctor lady seemed nice enough. I don't know that it is a PERFECT fit, but it IS only session one. I may have a better idea next week. It seems as if it may be a bit more of life coaching than lay on the couch and cry.... I was kinda looking for the couch bit, but am seeing the positive things that could come from a bit of direction in my life.



At one point she said, "tell me one positive thing about you" and then said "oh! I know one..". So I looked at her like, I met you 37 minutes ago....what on EARTH do you know? "You are an extrovert".




*blink*





I said, "oh, well.. yeah.. a lot of people think that." Truth is.. I am an extrovert on my terms. If I walk in the room and I feel like I can handle the crowd, you bet. Put me on stage, I can yabba dabba with the best of them.

Walk me in to a room full of people who I classify as "above me"... and see me melt into a pile of sludge. I am a wreck.. and before I step 4 feet into the room, I have completely sabotaged the experience.

I guess that is why I am going back to see not-a-doc next week... and probably several occasions after that.

In other news, Rebs finished her gift to us. I ADORE IT....




She will be known, by her request, as Auntie Rolling Pin. Isn't she freaking great?

Mic got me a little video camera. I think I am going to try to work it so I can video the rooms upstairs.. post it here...

don't hold your breath for that, though.

Today...

After reading the post I wrote earlier- I can't help but think how much that would hurt Mic's feelings. But really- it isn't about her. She is quite wonderful. It is about me. It is about my _______(insert whatever issue you want).

So, in case she reads this-- which I don't think she does, BUT- in case.

Mic-
I love you. You try and try and try so hard to understand me, and that isn't fair to you. There are times I don't understand me.

All you want is for me to be happy.

A very high percentage of the time, I radiate happiness. There are just those hard times that the self doubt creeps in.

I am fixing those times.

Thanks for being my partner in crime for the last 5 years. I am ready for 5 more. Small steps, yanno? :)

Thank you for making my attic warm. (no- literally- nothing dirty...she insulated the attic)
Thank you for catching me up on my dirty laundry, too. (again- literally)

xo.
cik-w

Is everything perfect in Perfectville?

**WARNING- THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME SOUND TOTALLY INSANE, BUT I NEED TO WORK THROUGH THIS**


Today, right after SLAMMED the basement door and stomped downstairs (simply because Mic was humming and cleaning) I took a few breaths and wondered what had gotten into me?

First I broke it down a bit

a) I was pissed off EXTREMELY because she was humming and cleaning.. why?
- I felt she was cleaning up after me, which immediately made me feel inadequate
and the phrases "dammit, Casey- just freaking pick your shit up- it would
make her HAPPY" ran through my mind..and "God, Casey- you LOSER.. now she
has to pick up your stuff, because you are so f-ing lazy"

Those thoughts came in my head in a nanosecond and left my head in a nanosecond. But that is the kind of talk that I have always done. If it is in regards to food, relationships, what I am worthy of, how I look etc.

"Why did I eat that? I have NO self control..I am so gross.. no wonder I am so ugly and fat"

"I can't go into that room of people and talk.. I am not nearly as pretty, I don't have a
great job, I don't have a family.. and what would I TALK to them about.. I will be THAT
girl that sits in the corner"

"I don't deserve a nice purse like that-- maybe once I feel better about myself.. when I lose
weight.. when I feel prettier.. THEN I can get that purse"

It is so bizarre to me how my mind works.. why I self doubt and have this horrible self esteem and self image.

I thought about all the blogs I read-- and how they are sunny and great, and everyone loves one another, and life is GRAAAANNND. I always read and walk away with a sense of "I want to be that happy.. that person is so in LOOOVVEEE... obviously they are doing something RIGHT!"

Then I look at the friends in my life... and I realize *I* do the same things to them. "My life is fantastic!" "We never fight!" "I am doing GREAT!"

While they are telling me all of their woes.

I think that in my head I want them to see me as "doing GREAT!" as IN MY HEAD.. I am self doubting myself from here to Switzerland and back. (But of course I could never go to Switzerland because everyone is so beautiful... gaaaaahhhhhh)

I feel like I am on this blogger "island" that I used to be on when I would journal by hand, too. Only blog/journal the happy! Why remember the ick? I am not going to blog exactly how I feel as I don't want anyone to think I am a nutcase! When- in reality- if I would have journaled/blogged the crazy all along, I wouldn't be starting to see a therapist on Tuesday.

*Exhale*

Now she is vacuuming and I am on the computer.

I blame her for NOTHING. She is doing what she is doing. She SHOULD be. She is very tidy, she follows through on things, she is focused. Where I am different... shiny things take my attention away, I go from one thing to another to another.

I think, when I ask her "is something bothering her?" and she 97% of the time says "no- nothing" -- when there IS something bothering me... I don't want to tell her- as I will look that much weaker. She has never showed her weakness. Other than bugs. She can't kill bugs. But she grew up in a great family, that have all stuck together (mine is a bunch of wandering hippies and we are a bit looney)...she has only had 3 jobs (I have had 1567 of them- and they all come with their own crazy story)...she is determined and when she puts her mind to it she does it (I float- I have great ideas that I will try for a bit... and then I get bored-- and then I move on)

We ARE DIFFERENT...it doesn't mean I love her any less. I just feel like no one out there ever talks about it-- so... it makes me feel like I am the only one.

I feel like the crazy one--

So- there you have it. This is a work in progress. This is me ranting and raving. This is me trying to figure this out.

*EXHALE*

I need to go take a shower... get on with my day.. put a smile on my face until I figure out how I CAN deal with my issues. As they are all mine---tied up in a rainbow colored bow. Because I couldn't figure out what color I liked best. And, if anyone else would like it-- as I wouldn't want to offend their color choice.

*eyeroll*

news story

This was on and I cried and cried.



I am ready universe..

http://www.wisn.com/family/25514538/detail.html#COMMENTTOP

Ugh

Fat girls nightmare... To have sales roleplaying video taped in front of you - and through every play back you are on a huge screen sitting in the background dead in between the role-players...

Holy motivation.

Mich'gnkid

There was this guy in grade school who was from Michigan. I never knew his name.. so I always called him Mich'gnkid.

I am in a hotel in Michigan.. I want to go out and do things like Ge0caching... but I am SO TIRED and it is like afreakin' hurricane out there. I am here for sales training.. which so far is going well. I have learned how to shake hands. How to leave a voicemail. Oh, and how to hand someone my business card. But at least I am learning this totally lame stuff in Michigan instead of Wisconsin....and I can take as long as I want in the shower....and then someone makes my bed.

With that said, I miss my Mic.

OH DUH. I forgot to update everyone on my birthday: it rocked. I had some of my most favorite people around me, and we laaauugghhed and laauuggghheed and drank too much. We went to dinner at this place and then we went to this place and Rebs made this AH-MAZING cake. Peanut butter and chocholate. I know. Honestly. No words for this.

I didn't want to do anything. Like I said in my last post, I am not a big birthday person. Everyone rallied and made it really nice. I am appreciative of that!

Okay, back to my TLC marathon. I think 19 kiddles and counting is on tonight. Honestly.. they are STILL counting? yikes.

Tropical Destinations

Today I turn 37. I am not that girl who loves birthdays... and gets all smooshy over them and loves to be pampered on them. Maybe someday I will be, but I am not there yet. I am thankful to have seen this many years - as there are many who aren't able to.

Next week I have to go to L@nsing Michig@n. All I know is between 8-5 I am going to be stuffed into a little classroom with 14 men learning sales crap. Then, I get to burrow into a fluffy king size bed.

Part of my big change that is happening.. wait.. before I go there.. I just want to clarify that I do write about these "big changes" that I am always "going" to make in my life. I don't think that I am unlike anyone else who starts something and then it goes to the wayside. Perhaps it is just easier to count the fails when I am writing it down all the time. You would think it would be opposite, eh? Like.. I am blogging this- so there are people out there who are going to keep track of me.. so I BETTER follow through! Guess what? Doesn't happen like that.

So.. I am going to be seeing a therapist. Starting on the 2nd. I am going to be seeing her for the following issues:

1. Self worth - feeling worthy of .. well.. ANYTHING
2. Self Esteem - in my head I am never enough (pretty,smart, outgoing, funny, cute, etcetc)
3. Food addiction:
- I need to stop convincing myself that it is okay to eat (bad day/stressed/celebration etc)
- Eat only until full then STOP
- stop rationalizing the bad food (this is the only time I have eaten today so I am going to eat
THIS)
4. Get help getting over food anxiety - (I have to eat it all or it will be gone the next time I look
for it) - which stems from my mom hiding the food when I was growing up... and the
comments that went along with it.

My hopes are that by getting my HEAD straightened out, when I start WW AGAIN (for the 139028th time) on November 6th - that it will be the right combination for success. I am not looking for a miracle. I just want to be a little more normal when it comes to food.

I want to give you fair warning.. I will be blogging about this probably a lot. I know that so many of you come looking for baby updates. Well, I have done everything I can do - now it is out of my hands. I could blog each day about how I wish the phone would ring, or that when I didn't recognize the number on the caller i.d. I thought for SURE it was time-- instead it was Walgre#ns.

So, there you have it, Big Changes Fall Edition 2010.

Chchchhhhaannggess

Things are happening in my life right now that I am not able to share.

But, I am excited for them none the less. They will make me a better, more self confident ME.

Side note...

Yanno when you thought you had friends, then, suddenly, they get sorted out for you? It is hard.

I think I am a lot like Michael Scott (yeah- from the Office.) I tend to romanticize relationships. In my head I make them more then what they really are. These are friendships, too. In my head I think I have a friend (it takes a lot to get to be my f-word). I think we are on the same page, that we are partners in crime, that we may as well get matching tattoos.

In reality... not even close.

Eh. It is okay. I guess that happens when you grow up.

Anywho. I will keep you all posted on Changes - Fall Edition 2010.

xo
ciw.

fyi. THIS is what I would do.

I don't know about anyone else out there, but after hearing someones story about some personal issue that they are going through or something like that, I tend to think... "how would I handle that?". I don't think it is about judging someone, it is more about learning from what they are doing.

For instance.. I have a co-worker whose significant other was in the hospital for a period of time. Nothing life threatening. I promise. It was for monitoring. Okayfine she is pregnant... and she was on bed rest. In a VERY good hospital. Every night my coworker would leave work and go stay in the hospital. Every night. For four weeks.

They have two dogs, they were moving apartments, but instead... she chose to go stay at the hospital. Her mom took the dogs and packed her apartment and cleaned the old place once the move happened.

I know... I get it... this is very noble. And blablahblahbalh.

This was something that I could learn from and gave me an opportunity to open up a conversation with Mic that went something like this:

Me: "Honey... HONEY!... LISTEN!"

Mic: "Yes dear.. I am listening" (obviously she is used to my random, completely out of the blue tangents that are increasingly becoming harder to follow the more I turn into my mother.)

Me: "Honey.. I need you to know.. if I am EVER in the hospital for a non life threatening reason... it just ISN'T necessary that you stay with me every night. You can just pop in.. tell me about your day... and then leave"

Mic: "oh.. oh.. um.. okay..."

Me: I look at her through squinty eyes..."You wouldn't have stayed anyways would you?"

Mic: "Is this where I am supposed to say I would never leave your side... because.. "

Me: "ohnevermind"

I think with age and learning from past relationships comes a certain sense of independence. I love my "time". I know it is a pretty basic way of thinking - but the more time we have apart, the more we savor our time together.

At the end of this month, we will celebrate our 5 year anniversary. When it is a celebration between she and I, we don't do big fancy things. Just knowing that she has chosen me and I her.. that is celebration enough. I feel so blessed that I have found someone who can (somehow) put up with my overly emotional tangents, my 100% desire to do something, start it... then get bored with it, my horrible habit of taking my socks of in bed.. then leaving them there, my night owl-ness and so many more things. Just as much as I adore her frankness, how smart she is, her crazy fear of killing bugs, her initial shyness when she meets new people and then, when she decides she feels comfortable enough--- lets them into her life with complete love.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg

I have a feeling this 5th year is going to be a doozy!

Aaahh... 5 years together.... it feels like 15 minutes...under water.

(harhar)

I hate local phone numbers.

Now, every time my phone rings and it is a local number, my heart stops.

This is what happened today:

I drove up to gods creation to deliver some info to a nice older woman who manages some senior living facilities. It was a convenient time to do it as I wanted NOTHING to do with "real work" today.

The radio was cranked the whole way up, I was singing, and I had- in my mind- already relocated to this SUPER CUTE TOWN. Simply adorable.

I pull into the parking lot and as soon as I turn off the ignition, my phone rings. It is a local number. It rings again. And I think dearJESUScaseyYOU don't have ANY CreditorsAFTERyouJUSTpickUPtheDAMN PHONE.

Rings again.

"Hello?"

"Hi this is blahblah from Children Service Society--"

When I heard him say cssw... I almost fainted, and time completely stopped. In the ONE SECOND that came after CSSW I thought:

omg. the car seat is in the garage
I am way the fork north of the city, he is on a cell phone the kid is in the car I can't get home for 45 minutes. Mic's emergency number is on my desk. The bottles aren't washed. My dear GOD.

Then blahblah says, "I was wondering if you and Mic are still interested in becoming foster parents?"

*blink*

WTF???

I respond... "Uh" "what?"

He goes on to say that we had shown interest in foster parenting and hewaswonderingif.....

I stop him...

"We are licensed already... we have been for a week...and I almost fainted because I thought you were calling me with placement."

He apologized and shuffled papers and said goodbye.

I suppose that was bound to happen.

as of 3:00 Monday, September 27th

Mic and I are licensed foster parents.

Happy Monday!

Another weekend comes to a close

They go by so quickly.

We had our annual day up in Appleton for their Oktoberfest. It was a riot as always. I get to connect with some friends I don't see but this one day and we get to walk up and down "the ave" tasting lots of food. Somehow we always end up tasting lots of different shot specials at the bars on the ave. Thankfully I know when to say when.

My uncle died this week. I didn't know him. It is odd to me to say that I don't know anyone on my dad's side of the family. He had 2 brothers, I think that was all. I don't think he had a sister. One brother lived on the St. Lawrence sea way. I can remember one time that we visited that area, though I don't remember where we stayed.. or what we did. Nor do I remember meeting that uncle. I think he died many years ago. My uncle that died this week lived in northern Wisconsin. He had 8 children.... I don't know who they are...but I think many of them worked on the railroad. For some reason I think a lot of my dad's family worked on the rails.

It never really was something that I thought about until I heard he had a massive stroke. My dad drove up as soon as he heard, and he found the nursing home he was at. My dad sat by my uncles side, and spoke to him for hours while my uncle would squeeze my dad's hand.

My dad was happy he got to say goodbye.

I heard that his kids rented a van and a wheelchair and took him to his favorite place on Pelic@n Lake. He spent two hours looking at the lake with is family surrounding him.


My heart breaks for my dad. I wonder if he wanted to spend more time with is brother... had they ever thought about sharing holidays with us, for us to know the cousins, to travel to the lake to spend time together? I wonder what they are all like.. are they short tempered like my dad? Do they have this great laugh like we all do? Do they have squinty blue eyes?


Then I think.... will our child feel like this x's 3000000?

countless times..

I can't tell you all how often I have sat down to blog about things that have been churning in my head over the summer. Yet, every time I sit down I am sidetracked by something shiny like facebook. Then my brain rots, and I go to bed.

The trees are turning, and this saddens me. It feels like 2.34 hours ago that I packed away the winter clothes.... now I just opened a container to get out a cuddly shirt (and prayed that it still fit).

With my new responsibilities at work, I drive around all day to drop off marketing materials to apartment complexes and a bunch of other places. Another one of my responsibilities is to go to networking events. I have another one tomorrow morning. I loathe them. LOATHE. A room full of men who talk about sports and are looking for the exit door as soon as they enter, and women in power suits who THRIVE on this shit. I feel like it is my first day in high school and I am just trying not to trip in front of the senior girls. I convinced myself that I was in need of a shoulder padded power suit and a neckerchief. Thank god Mic talked me down off of that ledge. Instead I got a nice fitting pair of tweed pants and a cardigan. I am going for comfy-sophisticated. Very lesbian-chic.

I lost my train of thought- I think I was going to talk about our beautiful city on this beautiful biiiiig lake and the new neighborhoods I have scouted out.

And the trees turning colors.

But anyways.

The main thing on my mind this night is the worry I can't seem to shake. Anyone who knows me knows that I worry about everything. My most prevalent worry right now is for my parents. They are getting older. They just bought a condo in Florida... and drive there.

I break down every time they leave thinking that this will be the last time. Then my parents and I have phone conversations about their days-- and they bring up the fact that "they aren't going to be around much longer" in almost every phone call. My heart breaks.

I am not prepared to lose a parent. I know so many of my friends who have gone through that pain, and "blog friends" who are going through pain now. My heart hurts for them.

Perhaps my obsession with death is coming back to surface now that I am not at the funeral home on a full time basis anymore. There were so many times that I simply could NOT think of death one more time because I was inundated by it all day every day 8+ hours/day. But now-- I drive around in a car all day long. Just me and my thoughts.

I feel like I am on a crazy train. Actually, the conductor of the crazy train.

Wait.. now that I read this over, it SOUNDS like it too.

I really am not.

I just worry.

And I think.

A LOT.

I just need to take time and go see my parents. I take time to bowl on a big gay bowling league. I take time to help friends, to see a personal trainer, to go on freaking f@cebook 1203408 times a day..... I can TAKE TIME to go see my parents.

Anywho-- The summer was fun.. it was busy. We really didn't do anything super crazy insane outta your mind fun... at least it didn't suck.

This week Brittany's supervisor will be getting our report on her desk. Then, I think it is maybe next week (??) that we get our license.

Everything is so NOT in our control. I am kind of glad that I have other things on my brain instead of counting the days when something maaayybeee will happen. I have given it all up to a higher power than myself. It isn't in my hands. That doesn't mean that I can't visit the consignment stores as if resale was my drug of choice. Now I have Mic hooked too :)

Okay, I am babbling.

I need to go to bed so I can get up in time to get my hair straightened and my networking game face on.

I hope they don't have scrambled eggs, again. *cringe*

baby room update

I thought I would pass on a couple of poor quality iphone photos of the progression of the baby's room.

There will still be more changes coming shortly... but we did what we had to do to make it look cute for Brittany on Wednesday.

Please please please let everything go alright on Wednesday. I will be here by myself...and I don't want to have to make another "I'm freaking the f#*& out" phone call to my friends.

Playroom





Other side





Out the door




Into the baby's room





Other side





Crib





Out the door

--- far from done, but we are getting there!!

Fun Times

Before we start-- am I the only one who thinks that uploading pictures and arranging them on your blog totally stinks??? Sorry about the randomness of the photos. I am one step away from throwing the mouse through the window. If our basement had windows. I will do another post with just photos :)

......

There are times in your life when you realize how amazing your friends and family are. Ever since we have decided to go forward with our foster to adopt process, that realization has happened over and over again. People have given us their blessings, we have been in prayers, and have had candles lit in our names. We have had generous acts of kindness like our recent baby shower that our friends Becky and Nora hosted. They did an amazing job with the decorations, invitations, organization. Our good friends Nonny, Angie, Mo, Greg and Rebecca all had huge parts to play in it, too.

It was held on the 28th... it was a BEAUTIFUL day in Wisconsin, and I seriously couldn't have imagined a better time! It was under a pavilion, there was a breeze, lots of shade and clear blue skies beyond that. There were white table clothes, colorful flower centerpieces, huge cakes (yum!), everyone brought a dish to share and delicious grill food. No one had to stop their socializing to play games because Nonny thought of a great way to have them over to the side, and people could approach and take their time to count the items in the bottles, guess what kind of food was in the jars, or count how many pins were in the rice... they got to write down their answers and put them in a box... for judging to be at the end of the party. Then awesome prizes were given out. There was even a station to paint your own onesie for the baby! People got really creative and I loved EVERY single one of them! Rebecca made her award winning cookies and everyone left with a goodie bag! There was an adorable plate set out that everyone was able to sign... by the end of the day, there was no room left!

Onsies!

Holy Monster Cake!!! This was at least 12 inches high!!!



Becky Chattin'

Everyone was so generous with their gift giving! I think everyone feels like they are getting a little one in THEIR lives as well as ours. This will be a loved, shared :) baby!

There is so much more I could write about this day--- we sat and talked and talked and laughed for over 6 hours... and it was finally the mosquitoes that drove us out, otherwise we would have been there for even longer!

The Grill Masters....



The Grill Master's onesie....

Chocolate dipped cheesecake with raspberry filling... LISH!

The flowers that were on the tables

I am blessed.... and this baby is sure going to be a welcomed little bundle!!!

tick. tick. tick.

n the beginning of this process I really felt like Brittany could care less about us and our journey to become a family. I am trying to change my tune. I have to have faith that she has our best interest at heart. Tonight was our "tying up of loose ends" night. Tonight she was in our home for about 20 minutes. These are the nights that I struggle. Why can't we extend them, why cant this process that is so intrusive (for good reason, I understand) why can't it be just a big more quick? Our final walk through has now been set back to the 8th of September. One week later then expected. At this point, as much as I was kind of pissy-- it is one week. It will actually be nice to have a bit of extra time. Exciting news-- this baby will be welcomed into (if by good thoughts only-- hugs and kisses will be down the road a bit, of course) by all of it's new aunts and uncles this weekend. Our friends Rebecca and Nora are throwing a shower for Mic and I, with help from Amy, Mo, Greg, Angie and Rebs. I am nervous. I am nervous that people will be gathering for us. To celebrate something that hasn't happened yet. For something that is out of our control.... and may take ....well who KNOWS how long? We will be getting together at a park in Br*okfield. I am just so happy that I will get to see so many of my friends and family in one place-- on one day-- THAT makes me happy :) I hope to have lots of pictures to add here and to put in the baby book.

Today Mic finished up the painting upstairs... of course, NOTHING else is completed...but I at least thought I would share with you the progress :)


This is at the top of the stairs - there is a nook that there will be shelves and bin things




Also at the top of the stairs - that brown wood thing will have chalkboard paint in it for the bambino



Bedroom looking in - rocker courtesy of my sister and the dresser is mine from my childhood that will act as a changing table


Other side of the room- isn't the crib pretty? Har.


Looking out the door




Enter the playroom - that is a futon for a mom when the stairs become a beotch. We painted the room white and maybe one of our artsy friends will come over for a spruce up. ImtalkinboutyouRebs :)



Shelf where more bins will go



Some pictures for the playroom walls



The end .

guess where I am?

The funeral home. They needed some help tonight. Technically I have been here for 3 hours. I am going to only be able to put about an hour and a half down on my time card ... I can always count on my old coworkers here for some crazy good gossip.

It is kind of nice to be back for a few hours... to know what I am doing...to realize why I left :) As I sit here with 13 registrations boxes in front of me. 13. I know what Laura (the woman who took my place) is going through. I can just imagine Blonde Ambition shuffling around and screaming after Big Boss. Awww... fun times.ffuuuuunnnttiimmmesss.

not really.

Hmmm

Can you comment on this one?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

moooooo

Wisconsin State Fair has been going on for the last 12 days. Also, for the last 11 days it has been over 90 degrees and one zillion percent humidity. Though my work, I was given 6 free tickets and decided that it would be best to go on Saturday after our 1st of 2 adoption classes.

Our friends Maurice and Greg came down to join in the hot, sweaty, farm animal fun. We met more friends there and had a crazy, sweaty, frizzy hair time. We found rum and rainbow margaritas....and the night ended with a cab ride home.

YesterDAY we had the class. During my freak out conversation with Anne last week, she mentioned that Milw@ukee has about 700 foster homes, and twice that in foster kids... and those are just licensed foster homes.... that DOESN'T mean that they are all willing to take more kids. So, I questioned the leader of the class (she is a supervisor in the organization). I asked about how many licensed foster homes there are....she said about 700 (Anne was right), and she added that the workers under her supervision oversee about 120 licensed homes. I asked how many of those homes are accepting new kids? She said... oohhh....ummmmm.....lemmmeeee 15.

15.

That doesn't mean they are all taking infants. That doesn't mean they all want to adopt.


I am not good at math. Most days there are at least 2 occasions that I have to count on my fingers.

But, I am pretty sure that somehow, that creates pretty good odds for us.

Bless all of those children in need. I ask the universe to guide one of them to us. I have faith that will happen. 100% faith.

Mic has her personal interview tomorrow. I have to ride around in a beverage cart at a golf outing and give away 200 can koozies. I am going to make this the fastest distribution of 200 can koozies in the history of distributing can koozies.

*blank stare*

The private interview went fine and then ms. Brittany said some stuff about some crap and she totally burst my bubble. Maybe it is my altered hormonal state - but it left me kinda empty. I GET that nothing is 100%. I GET that we may have to wait a long time to be placed with a child that fits our situation. I understand, Brittany. She continues to be a Debbie Downer. "we NEVER get babies"..."it just DOESN'T HAPPEN".

I had to call Anne to have her talk me down. I have to keep the faith that things will work out. Today was challenging to remember that.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Black hole

Somehow it is already August 10.

Where in the world did the summer go? It is amazing (and really freaky) how fast time goes by when you aren't counting moments...but instead just enjoying them.

This summer has been wonderful. It REALLY has. A simple wonderful summer.

Work has been amazing.. we have been drawing bonuses.. and today, my job consisted of scheduling and working on the holiday party in December and our office party in September... which, part of THAT was taking down everyone's drink of choice for the limo ride down to Ry@n Br@un's Waterfront (on the Milw@ukee river) ...and then to Comedy Sportz and then list out what bars we are going to be visiting after that....and map the route to everyone's home so we all have a safe ride. Who DOES that? Me. I do. Oh, and on Monday- I have to go to a golf outing all day and ride around in a beverage cart putting can koozies (pronounced kooo-zeeee) on peoples bottles of beer. I think I got this one. My biggest fear is that my big biznizz is going to weigh down the beverage cart and it isn't going to be able to move.

I have had nightmares.

But, that is what I get for being a fattie fattie boom ba laddie.

just say'n

My girl Brit is coming over tomorrow for for my private interview. Then on Monday is Mic's private interview. Then we have a total of 9 hours of classes the two following Saturday's and then the FINAL WALK THROUGH.

I don't know what to say about that-- other then I can't believe this is all happening. I simply can not believe it. I have been wanting this whole process to be over so we can start the waiting process....and it is going to be wrapped up this month.

uh.

We could possibly have a baby by the end of the year.

Mind blowing.

But-- with that said... now that everything is rolling..I am not obsessing. Mic and I have been very driven to get things done..to have friend filled weekends and to just enjoy. When we get the room done, of course I will take some pictures. Right now, it is a work in progress.

Hope all are well-- sorry for the lack of updates, but I have been reading!

ciw.

any

new parent or preparing parent know of any good baby book appropriate for a baby with 2 moms and that was adopted?

(before I typed it, I thought "maybe I shouldn't ask, cuz then it wont happen, but we need to prepare for when it does, but what if it doesn't, then I will have a baby book")

(but I typed it anyways)

(man, I need a therapist.)

ciw.

Edit- dearest m, thank you for your kind words... I should have clarified -- I mean a baby book that you paste stuff in and list things --- kinda like a scrap book :) xo

nooo jinxies!

I am so weird about the possibility of being jinxed. Donnn't SAY IT!!! DON'TSAYITORITWONT HAPPEN!!!

Well, lil ol' Brit got the ball rolling by telling us we are fine- we can tell- we can get excited. So, we have been FAR more open about talking about it-- telling-- yabba dabbing. We got together with friends for a fire to celebrate a new job- and their child, Mack, hugged Mic, crying..thanking her for giving her a "cousin" that she can be a role model for. Crying. CRYING. dear god. There wasn't a dry eye in the circle.

So, with that, our friend Rebecca has decided to throw us a baby shower. I was pretty adamant about telling her "no".... "we don't need one...how about we have a celebration when we finally DO get a child... it could be months, YEARS!" Her reply was that we are loved, that people are excited for us and want to celebrate NOW. That people who are pregnant get to have showers, so should you guys!!!

I spoke to Mic about it, and decided that if people want to throw a celebration now, than we will let them! Every time we talk about it, we are in tears. How blessed are we to have a group of people who are as excited about having a child in their lives as WE are?!?!?!?

So, I hope this isn't going to jinx it, but our friends are throwing us a shower at the end of August!

I appreciate all of the input from my last post.... I love hearing all of the experiences other parents have had... it helps SO MUCH. The feedback from my email has been overwhelmingly sweet. I have gotten a TON of great information - and I am taking it all to heart!

this made me cry

As I stated in my last update, I sent out a mass email and facebook message to all moms, dad and grandparents that I know looking for advice.....

This was my email to my peeps:

Mic and I are really excited to share some news and ask some advice from all of you lovely people...

As some of you may know, we are well on our way to becoming licensed foster parents with the intention of adopting a newborn baby! Per our social worker, we will be ready for licensing in September... We are trilled at this amazing direction our lives are taking.

We are believers of that old saying "it takes a village to raise a child", but we also believe it takes a village to raise good parents :) We both come from amazing, loving families, but lets face the facts, it has been a while since the W*@& family grandchildren have been babies, and this will be a first for the K@(#$ family! When you are actually preparing your home for a new member, it is a LOT different then being the "fun aunt".

That is where we need help. We need ADVICE! We have walked in big box stores looking for baby items, became completely overwhelmed, and walked out. Where do we start? What do we do? What we really need to know from you parents and grandparents, what was an absolute need for a baby, and what is a big waste of money? What is the very best advice you can pass along to new parents?

We know there are some of you in the bunch that love to give advice, and this time we will really listen :)

Thanks in advance!

Love and peace,

Casey and Mic

I have received the NICEST emails, and they all have made me tear up and feel so loved...I plan on saving all of them. I wasn't sure what kind of response I would get from my mom and dad, as, yanno, they are old school.. and well, as much as they love Mic, I am sure they have it in the back of their mind that I will, someday, meet the man of my dreams.

This is what I received from them:

Dear Casey and Mic

Your union is unique and Dad and I pray that your special gift from God will make your union complete.....A FAMILY....
The glue that will bind you together is LOVE...............
The two things that are not available in the big box stores but so IMPORTANT......
We know that the two of you will exhibit these qualities during this awesome time of parenthood.
1.Common sense
2.A good sense of humor


Everything else will fall into place.

We love you both

MOM&DAD

..... and I cried.....this is the first time they have said anything like this to me about the relationship that Mic and I share.

I love them. I am, once again, blessed.

oh brit.

Another meeting tucked securely under our belts. If we wore them. Apparently fat people don't need them.

That is another rant for another day.

I think we got lil' ol' Brittany to crack a smile. She may be warming up to our quirky ways. Maybe.

Big news? oh yeah. It wont be October that we will be licensed in, it will be SEPTEMBER. Can I get an 0prah "hall-le-loo-yeerr"!!

I have gone into full on panic mode and have group emailed everyone I know that has ever been a parent asking for their advice... and I ask you the same.... What do we NEED? What is a big ol' waste of money? How do you even know which onsies to buy? THERE ARE A TRILLION!! What is the best brand of diapers? Now that the drop side crib crud has been discussed, what about the bumpers-- apparently those are like a big maxi pads ready to suck the life out of a child??? DEAR JEBUS... where in the world do we start????? Do we need one of those tacos???

cribs.

We have one.

Apparently it is "too old fashioned looking" for Mic. I wasn't really sure what this meant, as I grew up in a house of "old fashioned". My mom was (is) an antique dealer. Come'on. Old is where it is AT, yo.

So, she has informed me that she wants a different one. I couldn't argue too much, as I have taken this decorating gig and have run with it. If she wants a crib, I am going to have to find one. Mission style. Yeow. Resale shops, here I come. I draw the line at (or prior to??) buying new, especially since we have a FREE CRIB in our garage.

Anyways... apparently there were some issues with cribs... the kind that the side lowers?? Like the kind that EVERYONE has had since the dawn of time...and now they make them solid, without a side that lowers. This is a complete newsflash to me.

I explained it to Mic...thankfully (or frighteningly) she was just as clueless as I. I asked how in the hell am I (typical 5'3 short armed pudgy girl) supposed to lower this kid into a crib that I would hardly be able to reach over??? She was lol-ing (for real) and said that I would have to wrap the child up like a burrito and get one of those grabber things that old people use to get cans of soup off of their top shelf....and lower the child in.

That was pretty funny.

It slipped my mind to share with my gentle readers that while Mic and I were visiting with my parents over the weekend, my mom gave me the my baby blanket my grandma knitted me, and my communion dress (which my mom made me). It was very thoughtful and was a definite sign that they are coming around to this idea. I looked at the dress and said, I hope we are able to get a girl, because this would look kind of silly on a boy. And my dad replied with a funny reference to "a boy named Sue".

I love my parents, and sometimes I don't give them enough credit.

Something I suppose I should get used to myself.

well.

not much to report. This summer has already been flying by.

I don't think I have mentioned this before... at work there is another big ol' lesbian and she and her partner are having twins! It is really exciting to hear all the updates and find out what they are buying and all that fun stuff. In the beginning it was hard hearing about all the tummy movements, birthing classes and all that fun stuff.... now, though, I am over it. I like the fact that she is talking about all the yuck, too....the hemorrhoids, vomiting, doctor bills, expense etc etc. Suddenly I am fine with foster/adoption.

I need to get my camera going. I should do some before and after shots of the rooms upstairs, and all that fun stuff so I have something to share. That and the freaking garden is crazy! I wish you all were closer so I could pawn off some crazy reproducing zucchini and cucumbers

Edit: it may appear by this post that I say "fun stuff" 143 times a day. No. I don't. Sometimes my vocabulary matches that of at least a 6th grader. Shocking, I know.

smoosh it together, please.

She was here for just a tad over 45 minutes. Our next meeting is in two weeks. Apparently she doesn't know we have been waiting for this for a long time.

Can I ask her to kick it into high gear?

:)

What the??!??!

I feel totally disconnected from my blogger and facebook world since I got a job that I actually have to WORK at. No longer am I cranking out my work as fast as I can, and have hours alone in the quiet... now it is gogogogogogooooo all the TIME. I am not complaining. Time goes really fast, the owners are SO appreciative of all of our hard work, and I do a job that I can not only make a lot of money doing, but it will change all the time. No longer death day in and day out. I haven't read the death notices since the day I left. It is actually quite freeing.... and there is not one single piece of gold furniture or over sized painting of a serene, calming scene in the whole damn office. Granted, I have to deal with some ghetto fabulous people... and when you read that 'ghetto', say it in your head more like... "GGHhhhheeettttOHHHHH" ... cuz lordy we gots'em here in M-town. And how!

LOL.

And how.

My grandma used to say that. "Casey, the vinca vine in the backyard looks beautiful, and HOW!"

I think I am going to bring that back.

Anyways. ... it comes down to this: I would much rather deal with ghetto then death.

I am sure you are all on the edge of your seat waiting patiently for an update on how my "alone" time went with my Brittany. Well, it didn't. She had to cancel, and we are having a new meeting on Monday with Mic. So, thank the big'ol universe that I don't have to go over financials by myself. I was having poo-gency's everyday just THINKING about it!!!! So, I will have a NEW more FABULOUS update after Monday.

Other then those biggies, I have been super busy with a zillion other things and enjoying every moment. Tomorrow we are heading down to the lakefront for our annual firework extravaganza, and I am sure I will have pictures from that. I posted about it last year... it is so crazy to think how many people are down there.. our friend Nora went down THIS morning to rope off our plot and put up a tent. She hit gold when she found a good shade tree that is part of our land. It is kind of like farmville come alive, take away the farm animals, veggies, barns and replace them with brats, beer and fireworks!

Have a wonderful holiday weekend, start traditions and enjoy those that already are. We may not have all the rights in this country that we desire, but I have faith that someday we will... we are actually quite lucky, and how!

xo

we tight like that.

You know.. me and my new bestie, Brittany.

Maybe I am just looking too much into the way she wanted to "see me again" for a "private interview". Yeah. We all know.

I am happy to report that the first interview is tucked tightly under our belt. The next interview is Wednesday. Just me and her.... and all of our financial ickyness. I will now be obsessing until then. The classes we need to take are in August. Hurry up and wait! Thank the universe it isn't the middle of winter and I was snowed in and waiting. I would need medication. I have a feeling we will have a long wait until it is our time, so, I suppose I should get used to it!

We have a long list of smoke detectors to put up. We already have 4 in our house. Our house is a crackerjack box....literally. I suppose one can never have TOO many smoke detectors to wave a magazine in front of every time I decide to cook. We also need to buy a fire extinguisher and some cabinet locks. Not too bad!

I loved Mark's comment in my last post.... that made me laugh. I was FREAKING OUT before she got here, about the candles not being lit, and what if a tumbleweed of fur goes by while she is sitting here, Cosmo drops ass, or WHAT IF... ugh. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. She loved the house, and neither Cosmo or I dropped ass.

vroom

A person from the Ch1ldrens Serv1ces called today.

I will call her Brittany.

She is coming over on Monday for our first walk through. She wanted to come tomorrow.

holymotheroffreain'god.

*exhale*

Monday will be good. It will give me time to de-dog hair.

Milw@ukee Pride and breaking the news

I am not really in the mood to write, and I don't know exactly why I sat down at the computer. I am hoping that by taking my mind off of other things happening that are disappointing, and concentrating on the good, I will change my mood.

This weekend was the Milwaukee Pridefest! We had a really wonderful weekend...it probably landed real close to the top of the "Best Pride Yet" pride scale. Milwaukee is really blessed with a large Pride, and I have written about it before. Three days, on the shores of Lake Michigan, multiple stages, a very large "club" tent, kids areas, heath and wellness areas, fireworks... this year the headliners were Kathy Griffin, Patti La Belle, and Joan Rivers. I found a lot of really great entertainment on smaller stages, though. Today (Sunday) was the Pride parade, which was pretty okay. The coolest thing about the parade was that there was an airshow going on at the lakefront as well-- and every once in a while the Blue Angels (???) would fly over in formation. There was a guy there from Minnesota who was not only straight but has never been to a pride parade before, and I had him convinced that the fly overs were set up just for the gays. I had him for a while, too :)

I think of all the places around this country that have NO pride events or gatherings, and I feel pretty lucky to have ours. It was so nice to see so many families with children, parents with their gay teens, and older pflag parents.... It was a really nice atmosphere. I have difficulty when we turn the corner, though, and there are the groups of... well.. I don't know.. I don't want to call names, or anything.. but, like.. the leather guys with asses hanging out, the women with everything but leaves over their boobs, the furries, or the just... "different" people....in a crowd of already kinda different people. I always freak out thinking-- okay--- what if a straight family or couple came down to the fest trying to be open minded or wanted to teach their kids about diversity etc.... what would they say when they saw those fest-goers?

Is it bad for me to wish for normality in my community? Just a little more blending in, please. But yet, not totally. Maybe it is just me who feels uncomfortable... and * I * should figure out why the actions of others affect me that way. Because really, what they do is their business, right?

You know, the news stations and cameras gravitate towards the odd ducks. They are the ones who make the 10:00 broadcast... and I cringe.

Is it like that at all Prides? How do you feel about it?

Outside of that (which, honestly, doesn't come in the way of me having a great time), it was TONS of fun. I laughed hard. I love my friends. I don't have many, but those that I let in, I am blessed to have. I dropped Mic and her friend Wendy off at the gates this afternoon, and I am waiting to hear from them to go scoop them in the car and bring them home.

Other news.... our references for the foster/adoption have received their paperwork. They are filling it all out. It is so weird. It is all moving FORWARD!!! Because of the quickness of this happening combined with Mic's procrastination... we never got a chance to tell her mom and dad of our plans.... and Mic listed them as references. So, once I heard from one of MY references... we realized that mom and dad would have gotten THEIR paperwork, and we would have to tell them over speaker phone. NOT the way I had it all worked up in my head. I didn't even get to use the props I have been holding onto for over a year.

It was good... Mic's mom cried.. her dad was steady... and Mic bawled. It actually was really touching. They are thrilled. Mic's mom promptly told us that she will have to get a second job so she can spoil the kid rotten- and that she hopes we are blessed before Christmas. Mic was on the ball and instructed them that anything they buy said kid will remain at their house.

My girl, she is smart.

I have lots of pictures of the weekend to download, lots more on my mind.... but I really just want to go drink some water to get over this rum and french fry induced bloat and go to bed. It is so weird.. at my new job I have to work. A LOT.

To look update my facebook I have to take the phone into the bathroom with me.

How lame.

Road trip!

I am in the second day (Monday was a holiday, of course) of my week off before starting my new job. I have been taking advantage of this time and doing really REALLY fun things like..... matching socks, cleaning out my car, cleaning out the fridge and... CLEANING it, laundry, scrubbing the shower... you know, those awwweessommee activities. *insert eye roll and sarcastic mouth scrunch here*

Then starting last night I started having fun. My friend Anne called me and said. "I AM BREAKING OUT... I am going to get ice cream and you are coming with me.... I have the mini van and I am picking you up." I can't tell you how much I needed to get out of the house last night. My hormones were all over the board, and ice cream was the medicine that I needed. We had a great conversation and laughs.

This morning I woke up (a little late) and headed on a road trip to Oshkosh to see my dear and old friend, Amy - I affectionately call her Nonny after a Violent Femmes song. I had my driving music blasting on my ipod, and the weather was perfect. We sat and yabba dabba'd at her house for a while, went to get deeelish 'za at Cr@nky Pat's.. and then we went to take her daughter, Fiona, to a playground. This is where I broke out the geocaching. Nonny has made fun of me for enjoying this since the moment I mumbled an explanation of what it was. She swore up and down that it was nerdy. Well, folks.... I converted another. Do I get a toaster oven for THIS too? (that is a lesbian joke, Non.) We picked up her son, Finnegan, from school and took HIM to find some caches, too. No luck on those.


We had a really fun day together. I wish we were able to see each other more often. I hope my future son/daughter *knock on wood* will get to know his/her Aunty Nonny and Uncle Mikey and their cousins well.

Oconomowoc happens to be on my way home-ish.. or at least I made it that way so I could stop and surprise my parents. They love that... since I am their "littlest angel" I know, gag me, right? NO. I AM. hhaha.. They quickly set a plate for me, made me some fish and we gabbed away. We were watching the birds at the feeders, I explained at mine (outside my bedroom window, nonetheless) I am getting nothing but rats with wings. Gross city birds. I want colorful. As we were sitting there... there were robins, blue jays, cardinals and yellow finch. Then, a turkey came out of the woods and was wandering around. As we sat there and watched it, my dad mentioned that he hasn't seen a deer lately, then BAM... a deer and a little baby deer.. what are those called.. fawns, itty bitty deer, um... I know there is a word for them. It was bizarre. He was like..."holy hell.. that is the weirdest thing ever". I said he should mention something about not winning the lottery lately, either. But, that didn't work... or at least not yet.. MUUAAAHHAHAHAAAA.

Tomorrow I am going to change out my bike seat to a less vag numbing seat, and go for a ride with a bunch of old lesbians. I hope I don't die.

Happy Wednesday people.

ps. application has been sent.

just something to get used to

We arrived to the class about fifteen minutes early as instructed- and the person "in charge" had no idea why we were there.

I almost broke down.

Finally other people showed up, and someone from the program showed up.

PHEW!

2 hours and one free chip clip later, we left with applications in hand.

The will be in the mail by Tuesday.

This weekend we are planting, gardening, dirt hauling, weed picking.... and I am pretty sure I will have enough time for wine drinking. :)

Everyone enjoy the weekend!

just the start

Today we are up'n attm... getting ready to drive to a ymca downtown and have our first meeting of many.

We are pumped.

I can even tell Mic, lovingly nicknamed 72 degrees...is hovering around 80 or so. She is bubbly today!

We get the applications today and my plan is to have them filled out by the end of Monday evening in order to mail in on Tuesday.

Save the moolah.

I don't know if any of you are as crazy about saving money as I am. Clipping coupons is like an addiction to me.... I can't tell you how I L-O-O-O-vvveee finding something for less.

I have added two new sites to my blog roll over there -----> that help me find even more deals.

Check'em, yo.

Fancy Funeral Home Slang:

Flower Room Conference: [flou-er][room, room][kon-fer-uhns, -fruhns]

–noun
1. a meeting for consultation or discussion: a conference between a student and his adviser.

–verb (used without object)
2. to hold or participate in a conference or series of conferences.

-verb-ishy sorta (kinda)
3. a security camera view of the flower room - followed with the phrase "shit is about to hit the
fan"



Example I:


Great. Blonde Ambition and El Snoro are having a Flower Room Conference.... shit is gonna hit the fan.



Example II:

Weekend.

How fun! We hung out in dive bars, saw my niece compete in Mad Hot Ballroom and won 4th place AND an award for a composition she wrote about her experience. Went on a beautiful urban bike ride and spent all day Sunday with my parents. I even took them geocaching... I think my dad really dug it.

I gave my notice.

Now I move on.

This is the right decision.

Amazing the amount of weight that is removed from your shoulders when you release it. I had no idea I was carrying all that around!!!!!

Oh- side note. Mic and I had brunch with two of her way-back friends. Mic thought it was a good idea to tell them about our plans. This couple went through many an attempt at IVF and lost a baby. They chose not to go for any type of adoption. I was nervous to tell them about our plans as I honestly didn't know how they were going to take it. They get really touchy (which is totally natural) when it comes to talk about babes and stuff.

They took it as well as they were able.

*exhale*

at least that is done.

my stomach.

I am freaking out.

How do I tell them that I am leaving?!??!?!?!?!

Blonde Ambition is gonna fall out! OUT I SAY!!!!!!

I am going to tell them Monday morning. What do I write in my letter of resignation?

As I sit here all smiles and my brain is at my new job, I feel so evil. I feel guilty!

My stomach hurts from this guilt. Gah I hate this feeling.

ciw.

dadaduummmmmm..

I am accepting it.

I will put in my two weeks on Monday. (they will not take this well.) I am taking a week off to chill, have lunch with my bff, and regroup.

There is no way around it. This is happening for a reason... I can't question it.

They are prepared for me to leave for maternity leave when project Get-A-Kid happens, they have a plan for me for the next several years. The job will really push me. I am nervous.... but it is either be pushed or sit here and rot...and end up on anti-depressants... like the rest of the full timers.

**great***
Mic just called. We have to re-schedule the foster/adopt meeting for nine days later. I feel like crying.

pros/cons

I had a job offered to me.

I am freaking out because the pros outweigh the cons.... by far.

This is a job that like.. yanno.. adults want.

When did I become an adult?

I will speak with my wiff tonight, because, I think I am supposed to do that riiiigghhtt before I scream running around the house in a blaze of glory because I no longer will have to start my day off crying...everyday... when I have to read the obituaries....or cry when we get a call... or cry when I have to take care of all the families photos, or memorabilia, or uuggghhhhhhhhh. I can't do death anymore. At least not full time.


I will keep you posted.

I will NOT be able to wipe this damn grin off my face, though.

nope.

won't.

do.

it.