Tuesday, September 14, 2010

countless times..

I can't tell you all how often I have sat down to blog about things that have been churning in my head over the summer. Yet, every time I sit down I am sidetracked by something shiny like facebook. Then my brain rots, and I go to bed.

The trees are turning, and this saddens me. It feels like 2.34 hours ago that I packed away the winter clothes.... now I just opened a container to get out a cuddly shirt (and prayed that it still fit).

With my new responsibilities at work, I drive around all day to drop off marketing materials to apartment complexes and a bunch of other places. Another one of my responsibilities is to go to networking events. I have another one tomorrow morning. I loathe them. LOATHE. A room full of men who talk about sports and are looking for the exit door as soon as they enter, and women in power suits who THRIVE on this shit. I feel like it is my first day in high school and I am just trying not to trip in front of the senior girls. I convinced myself that I was in need of a shoulder padded power suit and a neckerchief. Thank god Mic talked me down off of that ledge. Instead I got a nice fitting pair of tweed pants and a cardigan. I am going for comfy-sophisticated. Very lesbian-chic.

I lost my train of thought- I think I was going to talk about our beautiful city on this beautiful biiiiig lake and the new neighborhoods I have scouted out.

And the trees turning colors.

But anyways.

The main thing on my mind this night is the worry I can't seem to shake. Anyone who knows me knows that I worry about everything. My most prevalent worry right now is for my parents. They are getting older. They just bought a condo in Florida... and drive there.

I break down every time they leave thinking that this will be the last time. Then my parents and I have phone conversations about their days-- and they bring up the fact that "they aren't going to be around much longer" in almost every phone call. My heart breaks.

I am not prepared to lose a parent. I know so many of my friends who have gone through that pain, and "blog friends" who are going through pain now. My heart hurts for them.

Perhaps my obsession with death is coming back to surface now that I am not at the funeral home on a full time basis anymore. There were so many times that I simply could NOT think of death one more time because I was inundated by it all day every day 8+ hours/day. But now-- I drive around in a car all day long. Just me and my thoughts.

I feel like I am on a crazy train. Actually, the conductor of the crazy train.

Wait.. now that I read this over, it SOUNDS like it too.

I really am not.

I just worry.

And I think.


I just need to take time and go see my parents. I take time to bowl on a big gay bowling league. I take time to help friends, to see a personal trainer, to go on freaking f@cebook 1203408 times a day..... I can TAKE TIME to go see my parents.

Anywho-- The summer was fun.. it was busy. We really didn't do anything super crazy insane outta your mind fun... at least it didn't suck.

This week Brittany's supervisor will be getting our report on her desk. Then, I think it is maybe next week (??) that we get our license.

Everything is so NOT in our control. I am kind of glad that I have other things on my brain instead of counting the days when something maaayybeee will happen. I have given it all up to a higher power than myself. It isn't in my hands. That doesn't mean that I can't visit the consignment stores as if resale was my drug of choice. Now I have Mic hooked too :)

Okay, I am babbling.

I need to go to bed so I can get up in time to get my hair straightened and my networking game face on.

I hope they don't have scrambled eggs, again. *cringe*


P said...

I completly understand what you are going through with all the worrying about your parents getting older and not being around much longer. I have been going through this myself. My mom has been really sick since July and I am so far away from them. I am faced with the fact everyday of whether or not she is going to get better and if I will see her again. It is really hard. I call her everyday and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day to check on her. I just keep hoping she will recover soon.

Jen said...

Do your parents come up to you often for visits? That's really tough, being so far away. It's tough to juggle your own life and then make time for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else. Balance is difficult. I hope you get to see your parents more often, if that's your goal. And I know what you mean about thinking too much - I took NyQuil the other night to go to sleep so my brain would SHUT OFF.

Jude said...

Shiny things happen to me too all day long.

Even though Mrs Jude and I have very little private time together, having my Dad live with us makes me appreciative of the days I have with him.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to tell you Casey. We are opposite in so many ways. I understand the death thing. Having gone through it so recently, albeit, not with a parent. Sometimes I feel like I AVOID thinking. That's not good either. I wish your parents were in...Michigan or something. Then they wouldn't be so far away! Crank up the music when you are driving alone all day!

Mark said...

Case., it's the coming of Autumn that's bringing you down. Once the Christmas rush starts, like next week at the mall, you'll be distracted once again by shiny objects. Just hold on. I'm totally getting you.
Your Friend, m.

Anonymous said...

blog more. i'm so pushy.