**WARNING- THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME SOUND TOTALLY INSANE, BUT I NEED TO WORK THROUGH THIS**
Today, right after SLAMMED the basement door and stomped downstairs (simply because Mic was humming and cleaning) I took a few breaths and wondered what had gotten into me?
First I broke it down a bit
a) I was pissed off EXTREMELY because she was humming and cleaning.. why?
- I felt she was cleaning up after me, which immediately made me feel inadequate
and the phrases "dammit, Casey- just freaking pick your shit up- it would
make her HAPPY" ran through my mind..and "God, Casey- you LOSER.. now she
has to pick up your stuff, because you are so f-ing lazy"
Those thoughts came in my head in a nanosecond and left my head in a nanosecond. But that is the kind of talk that I have always done. If it is in regards to food, relationships, what I am worthy of, how I look etc.
"Why did I eat that? I have NO self control..I am so gross.. no wonder I am so ugly and fat"
"I can't go into that room of people and talk.. I am not nearly as pretty, I don't have a
great job, I don't have a family.. and what would I TALK to them about.. I will be THAT
girl that sits in the corner"
"I don't deserve a nice purse like that-- maybe once I feel better about myself.. when I lose
weight.. when I feel prettier.. THEN I can get that purse"
It is so bizarre to me how my mind works.. why I self doubt and have this horrible self esteem and self image.
I thought about all the blogs I read-- and how they are sunny and great, and everyone loves one another, and life is GRAAAANNND. I always read and walk away with a sense of "I want to be that happy.. that person is so in LOOOVVEEE... obviously they are doing something RIGHT!"
Then I look at the friends in my life... and I realize *I* do the same things to them. "My life is fantastic!" "We never fight!" "I am doing GREAT!"
While they are telling me all of their woes.
I think that in my head I want them to see me as "doing GREAT!" as IN MY HEAD.. I am self doubting myself from here to Switzerland and back. (But of course I could never go to Switzerland because everyone is so beautiful... gaaaaahhhhhh)
I feel like I am on this blogger "island" that I used to be on when I would journal by hand, too. Only blog/journal the happy! Why remember the ick? I am not going to blog exactly how I feel as I don't want anyone to think I am a nutcase! When- in reality- if I would have journaled/blogged the crazy all along, I wouldn't be starting to see a therapist on Tuesday.
Now she is vacuuming and I am on the computer.
I blame her for NOTHING. She is doing what she is doing. She SHOULD be. She is very tidy, she follows through on things, she is focused. Where I am different... shiny things take my attention away, I go from one thing to another to another.
I think, when I ask her "is something bothering her?" and she 97% of the time says "no- nothing" -- when there IS something bothering me... I don't want to tell her- as I will look that much weaker. She has never showed her weakness. Other than bugs. She can't kill bugs. But she grew up in a great family, that have all stuck together (mine is a bunch of wandering hippies and we are a bit looney)...she has only had 3 jobs (I have had 1567 of them- and they all come with their own crazy story)...she is determined and when she puts her mind to it she does it (I float- I have great ideas that I will try for a bit... and then I get bored-- and then I move on)
We ARE DIFFERENT...it doesn't mean I love her any less. I just feel like no one out there ever talks about it-- so... it makes me feel like I am the only one.
I feel like the crazy one--
So- there you have it. This is a work in progress. This is me ranting and raving. This is me trying to figure this out.
I need to go take a shower... get on with my day.. put a smile on my face until I figure out how I CAN deal with my issues. As they are all mine---tied up in a rainbow colored bow. Because I couldn't figure out what color I liked best. And, if anyone else would like it-- as I wouldn't want to offend their color choice.
1 month ago