decision made.

I will be moving to another blog. I don't want the memories that I have written here to be forgotten.. I just want to move along. I have had many "blogs" in the past. All different parts of my life. On Blurty and LiveJournal and Wordpress and here. I have met great friends from all of them. Literally. Blurty brought me my Anne... and a few more, LJ brought me my friend Johnny and others.. and Blogger has brought me all of you.

Pages are being turned and new chapters are beginning...documenting change (but mostly my boring life) has always been something I have enjoyed.

I will be thinking of a name today and doing some set up. If you are interested in getting the new address, just email me at ihaverightstoo at yahoo dot com.

I hope that you follow as I have LOVED reading all of your comments... and all of the support you have given me has not gone unnoticed. You have all touched my life...

xo
ciw

Hoo-ha and tv

I am home quickly before I go get something cut out from the inside of me in the hoo-ha regions...and I insisted on coming home for a shower first...I guess it is kind of the same reason you brush your teeth before going to the dentist. I hope this doctor doesn't tell me to floss more often.

Also my friend brought me over a digital converter box so that I can watch tv. Bless her heart. I still won't get cable..I just don't want to spend money on that...but this will subside the shakes for a little while. Have I ever mentioned to you how much I love tv? If I had Internet it wouldn't even be SO bad...but scratch idea. I like putting money in my savings too much.

I suppose I should move on..I am simply trying to avoid the stirrups.




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free wifi

I am on jury duty today and (God willing) tomorrow, too.

Free wifi, comfy chairs, cable tv, I am in jury duty heaven.

So, I REALLY don't want to change blogs and start a new one. I love my story... and think that it is an important part of who I am.. but is there a way to change the name?

I am clueless..

I should research it, but now that I have a full computer screen in front of me instead of my phone.. I really feel like catching up with all of you.

Okay!

It went very well ... And very quick. I upped my legal risk and talked about a future with older kids... And we had a great conversation! All of my paperwork was in order and I just need to get a TB test. Even though I just had one a year ago when I went through this. Dumb.

Today is a company picnic. If you didn't just see it, I rolled my eyes.




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Here we go!

Moving forward from the last post...

Floors washed (check)
Tables dusted (check)
Bathroom de-haired (check)
Bed made (check)
Positive attitude in place (check)

And advice from Mark from the last time I went through this:

Toilet flushed (check)
Wine in fridge for later (check)

I am all ready to get back on this roller coaster and for caseworker 3's (cw3) visit at noon!

Happy Friday, people!!!



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Updates

I am getting more and more settled into my apartment and have one last random box that is begging me to unpack it, but it is all pictures and I don't want to put things on the wall so willy-nilly. The walls will be there and I will figure out just how I want things.. I think I will be in this apartment for awhile, so there is no rush.

Mic's grandma died last week. She was an amazing and strong woman. I really enjoyed her..and whenever there is someone around me that dies, I am now wishing I had spend more time with her.

Mic asked me to be a the funeral, so of course I was there. It was the first time I would see her family since the break up. Yes. It WAS awkward. I just had to keep it in my head that I was there for Mic and grandma- and it wasn't about how comfortable I was or wasn't.

As I walked in her friends were surrounding her, and I was glad they were there for her. Her dad approached me and we both broke down crying as we hugged, her sister completely avoided me, and her mom was cordial. Mic said hi...and then the mass started. A few of the friends came to where I was sitting to
say hello. I am not going to lie... I was a big mess the whole time. Crying like a baby- but keeping it under wraps so I didn't look completely insane.

It really hit me at that point how people view break ups. I may be completely on my own little island with this thought process... But hear me out. I started thinking about my siblings and the breakups they went through with long term relationships. They, as well as my parents, are still in touch with every one of them. Even the ex wife of my brother. I am still in contact with my exes, and would consider one of them a very good friend. So, in my thought process, I feel like in life we are always evolving .. Always changing and realizing what we want from this very short time on earth. In my case with mic... I adore her.. I enjoy her... But on a daily basis (sometimes hourly) I would have to convince myself that we were doing the right thing in the foster process. I KNEW her thoughts on having a family were different than mine. It was driving me deeper and deeper into a hole because I felt I was changing my life plans because of someone else. It also wasn't fair that I was asking her for more than she was comfortable. Feelings changed for me, and it was simply time to move on.

My family and friends understood, supported my decision, and my friends and my mom and dad and sisters have all reached out to her in some fashion.. Telling her they love her.

I know that there are lots of people who think I am crazy when I try to explain all of this. Maybe I am. Believe me it would be different if there was cheating, or abuse or something like that...

What I just really want to happen is for mic and I to be ok with one another. For mic to be okay with me.

Onward.. My parents 50th wedding anniversary was yesterday. We had an intimate day with just my immediate family. We went to mass where they had their rings blessed, ate way too much at my sisters, and went on a boat tour of Milwaukee and my friend Angie met us at a park to take family pictures. I proudly was able to present a video I made for then and gave everyone a jump drive of all the slides I scanned for my parents. You could tell they were overjoyed the whole day :) I accidentally left my phone in the car with my two teenage nieces and have a 2836 pictures of them with fish faces. As my nieces get older and I enjoy them more and more- all of their quirky hormone raged selves, the idea of fostering teens continues to mull around in my brain. I think I will talk to CW3 when she comes over on Friday.

Ok... I have to be productive today and go make a curtain for my back hallway door. The neighbor has had some very close opportunities to see my nekkid butt, toweled wrapped body, or me binging at the counter on cheese and crackers. Yes. Time for a curtain, indeed.

Ps. Rebs, in the time frame of one week: was offered a job at an amazing funeral home, put her two weeks in at the craptastic funeral home, was escorted out- because they are asshats, and promptly broke both if her feet as she fell in a pothole.

I am overjoyed at the opportunity she has at this freaking AWESOME home, but this means she is moving an hour and a half away. :(


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Holy crap

I just wrote a HUGE entry on my phone only using my thumbs ... And it is gone.


Son of a.

The move

I simply couldn't have gotten through today without my friends. Anne started out my day with a hilarious voicemail giving me support and telling me what songs it is good to listen to today, and what songs to steer clear of... GOOD: I Can See Clearly Now... BAD: Gimme One Reason (Tracy Chapman). I talked to her later and told her that I am not even going to risk it and will keep all music off all day. :)

I got a couple of calls from my friend Traci, all chuck full of inspiring words. Even my mom called to see if she could bring over some fruit salad she just happen to make -- but she wasn't sure I had a refrigerator or chairs to sit on. Apparently she thought I was squatting in some condemned building or god knows what. She cracks me up.

Nonny wrote me a wonderful email :) I miss you, chica.

Then best of all my girls, Angie and Rebs both popped in after work and they brought me beautiful hydrangeas and groceries to start me out. I love them. They are EXACTLY who I needed to see at the end of this crazy day.

Thank you girls---you all mean the world to me. I love you.

So *exhale* here I am.

So far... So good :)



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Today and Tomorrow

Today I have been packing since 8am. It is now 6pm. I did have a small break to go to the doctor for a pap. I wish that said "I had a break for a big glass of wine".

Unfortunately, that didn't go well. I will post more when I know more.

Packing has one more level to go. Tomorrow I will get up early and take the dog to school, and sort some things out in the garage before the movers get here at 9am.

I am keeping my chin up as well as constantly saying a prayer that God will push me in the right direction to make me the person I am meant to be. You would think that I, being the one who is creating this life change, wouldn't be saying THAT prayer.. because you would think I have that figured out. Honestly, I don't. I am following my happiness. Other than continuing with the foster process.. I don't know what that means.

I have been thinking more about fostering teens. It wouldn't work right NOW because I don't have a large enough space.. but I do think it is in my future.

Okay. Back to the boxes.

Hey- thank you again for being so nice to me. :) Your words give me strength that I need. Keep Mic in your prayers, too. Thanks xoxo.

Dear

People who I once called friends...

Stop putting ideas into her head on what YOU think the truth is. I haven't lied. I have been truthful. If you (who have their own effed up relationship) don't like my reasons... Guess what? I.DON'T.CARE.

I'm starting to get pissed off.

It is interesting when something like this happens and peoples true colors start coming out. I refuse to stoop to their level. I refuse to make waves. That isn't who I am.

Breathe.

This too shall pass.


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honestly...

the kind words that you all have left and the time taken to read my "woes" are so helpful.. you have no idea... or maybe you do.

It feels a little bit better to know that I am not the first person to feel the way I do.

The moving date has been moved up. I want her to be able to heal and if I am around.. that isn't going to happen.

I have to get into my apartment-- and get it ready for Caseworker III to do a home inspection. Lets get back on this roller coaster :)

xo
ciw

Over stayed

I think I am over staying my welcome. It is hard for Mic to move on with me here... I think I am going to pack up as swiftly as I can... and move on.

We seemed to have caught a groove. We were doing okay. I was feeling at peace. Then she went out with a couple of friends of hers last night. I am going to guess they spent quite a bit of time talking about it... as I got texts from them today, and so did a friend of mine (which I think was completely out of line). Mic wrote a letter, and she was far more emotional today than she has been in a couple of weeks.

I don't mind her talking to them, as she needs to talk to someone. But if they are putting things in her head... then I will be pissed. The text that I got from one of them said.. "don't think that the grass is greener.. because it isn't... you will regret this" I am thinking, are they all thinking I am leaving mic for someone else?!!?!??! That isn't the case. Not for a moment. The grass will be greener because *I AM PLANTING MY OWN GRASS*. Smoke that, sister.

There were some other comments made.. but I don't want to dwell on it. I can't. I don't have the time or energy for drama. That is exactly what I wanted to escape. Mic and I shared almost 6 years together... she knows a LOT about me... and I her. There is no reason why there has to be a drama- snowball starting. I wont stand for it.

I am ready for some normalicy. Just a little. Please. preeettttttyyyy ppuullleeeeezzzeeeee.

Life.

I am feeling optimistic. I have to believe I have made this decision for ME. For two weeks I have been feeling immense guilt. Mind and body numbing guilt.... and I didn't really get it. I didn't get why if I was the one making this decision, why I felt so horrible?

I have a friend who pointed out something very interesting. I grew up in a home that was often run by alcohol instead of clarity. Because of that, I know how bad/sad/disappointed/upset/frustrated/etc etc etc.. someone can feel. Because I spent a lot of time feeling those ways as a child, I, now as an adult, never want anyone to feel that way. ESPECIALLY at my hand.

Wow. Is that the truth. It hurts me tremendously when I let people down. More so than anyone I know.

Because of that-- I feel guilt because I let Mic down... a decision I made had a negative impact on her.

I am glad I know that information... now what to do with it?

I wish

There was a way to avoid this. I have to believe that I am making the right decision. I have tried to explain to Mic probably a dozen times that it isn't her.

I have always wanted a big family. I see myself as a mom of many. Some children perhaps wander in, some are placed... but I love having kids of all ages around me. Babies are cute and challenging, toddlers are amazing to watch as they discover new things, pre teens are fantastic when trying to figure out who they are, and teens are a riot.

I am not fruit loop. I know they all suck at those ages, too. LOL

The point is, that is what I see in my life. I should have known in the first month that mic and I were seeing each other when she said she didn't want a family, that perhaps this wasn't the road I should have taken. But I chose it. And I have loved it. I love Mic. She has treated me like a queen. The truth is, resentment has started to enter. I know that some people wont understand it because we don't have kids.. but I don't want just one. I don't want someone to put these rules on my life. I don't blame Mic.. she was stepping out of HER comfort zone, and her desires to even follow the path of foster/adoption. I also believe she would have started resenting me... if she hasn't already... in my baby obsession...because the truth is that she didn't want it as much as me.

That doesn't make her a bad person, it doesn't make ME a bad person. We are who we are. I, in my heart of hearts, believe we will continue to care for one another. Truth be told, I am feeling the most calm around her I have in a while.

I don't know that she would feel the same... but that is something I can HOPE for... and perhaps someday she will share ... or she will tell me to eff off. Either way, I will have to handle that.

I will be continuing with my foster/adopt license... as a single mom.

I went to see an apartment today. I absolutely loved it. I loved the feeling I got when I went into it, I loved the warmth.. the neighborhood.. everything. I am going to apply for it. It is in a neighborhood that is a moment away from my sister, and a moment away from my life for the last 6 years. I told Mic that I wanted to be close-ish without being weird.. so I can help with Cosmo, or if she needs help around the house.

I want her to be okay.

I guess I have felt like this with every break up I have had. I have always felt there is no reason for bad blood. We have spent many years together, this person knows me inside and out.. farts and all... she has been the most important thing in my life for almost 6 years. That doesn't change because we have different life plans/desires.

Yes. I want her to be okay. I want her to be treated like the queen.

I hurt her.

I didn't mean to. I didn't want things to turn out this way.

Sometimes opposites attract... and it is wonderful for a lifetime..
and sometimes opposites attract and we love as much as we can for as long as we can... but don't quite make it a lifetime. It becomes too comfortable, and sometimes we lose who we are.

Though it was me who made this decision, I have never felt so low. I have never felt the pain I have. I don't even think it was as bad as when Lisa was dying.. as we had time to prepare.

I have hurt so many people with this decision- have ruined lives - have shattered hearts. But, I can't stay in a relationship and not give my all freely.

I think sometimes people would be able to handle it better if one of us cheated-- if we were a horrid person. The truth is, we are both great people. She is a WONDERFUL WOMAN. We are just different. I would never ask her to change who she is to make me happy.

My heart aches. My bones ache. Food wont stay in my stomach.

When did I live my life for others so much so a decision that I need to make for myself is so difficult?

She is angry. I don't blame her. There is much more that I could write about- but I can't do it here. I just know there are many who have wondered where I have been...

I'm done

praying about it.

Prayers wasted.

sad...but will be fine :)

we got another call today. Details were given, we told CWIII that we are very interested and please call ASAP with the decision.

Three hours later (it might as well have been 232394 hours later) I got an email that baby girl was placed with another family.

Two broken hearts later, we have to muster up faith that another call wont be too far behind. And that little baby girl is safe and warm with her new family that will give her the best life possible.

Interesting.

Why is this blog popular in the Middle East?

hmmmmm....

Happy Mothers Day

And please universe let this be THE LAST ONE as as a "waiting" mom.

I think this is the third year that I have said this.

oohhh.. GOOD TIMES!

Okay-- here is a roof picture. I am going to follow Mark's suggestion and let it keep rolling for at least a few more posts.



In this one, we walked around the corner and Mic had a panic attack. I failed at getting a picture of the panic attack.

This weekend we stained the deck, and now I can't wipe my butt, my arms hurt so bad.

Woah- it has been a while, eh?

And yet nothing that I really feel I can or want to share. Nothing that I feel I have the right to share. Just a lot... .

Oh- and then there was work. Ah yes, and then the craziness at the bar. Then the normal stuff like laundry and a new roof.

Life is normal right now. As normal as to be expected.

Soon, right? It will happen soon.

CW3 emailed to set up another appointment. I am refusing. I will wait until the last moment. She may be my jinx.

Any whoooooo ;)

I can't get enough..

of the show "Addicted to Food"

my god.

it is my life.

Easter Sunday

My parents are still in Florida... and I miss them terribly.

Instead of going over to Mic's parents house I decided to work on the Christmas present from my siblings and I to my parents which primarily consists of scanning their slides and doing fun stuff with the photos..

I couldn't have imagined spending my Easter Sunday any other way. I am in love with these old photos more than I could have imagined. I can guarantee there is some sort of story behind each one of them.. and the loveliest stories of all are the ones that wont be shared out loud in front of the family. They are, in my mind, those of pure love and happiness... from their wedding day to their first born and on from there...

Happy Easter-- happy spring-- or happy Sunday. xo to all. :)

I have a friend who has this blog . FOLLOW HER. Dammit.

God, I am so GOOD at being bossy. I mean- if there is one thing that I excel at, its bossy-ness...oh.. and eating. Yeah. Great. I need to change that to something more karmicly (is that a word? nowitis) appealing like..."if there are two things I excel at, they are housing the homeless and feeding stray kittens" ...

Anywho... my friend has a blog. And since I adore her, I think you will too. So, check it out, follow her and make her feel as special as you all make me feel.. and that is SUPER SPECIAL.

http://smoosy.blogspot.com/

Have I told you all how much I adore you? Cuz I do.

I need sleep now.
ciw.

Day 11-Favorite TV shows

Easy Cheesy:

In no particular order:

Extreme Couponing

Sister Wives

Bethenny Ever After

Addicted to Food

Intervention

The Fabulous Beekman Boys

The Real Housewives of ...

The Amazing Race

Our America

Searching for

Tosh. 0

Modern Family

Parenthood

The Office

Hoarders

Grey's Anatomy

Flipping Out

Needless to say... I love tv. I don't make any apologies. I am NOT that person that says.. "oh.. I don't really watch much tv".....I watch far too much. Especially after Mic goes to bed. It is me.. the dog.. and the dvr. Sometimes there are cheese nips, too.

Day 10-Something you’re afraid of

1. Death
2. Insects in my basement that I swear will end up in my bed at some point
3. Lesbian bed death (different than #1)
4. Small boats on large body's of water.
5. My house getting broken into
6. Pedicures

... That is a good start.

distractions

As anyone that has gone through this process of waiting.. for a smiley face, to POAS, to go to the doc, to wait for home visits...for another caseworker meeting... however it is that you go about your process of waiting for your family, you know how it can be. You also know how all consuming it is. Thinking about it CONSTANTLY. All consuming. LITERALLY. I have a new distraction in person form. I was on facebook one night and suddenly there is a friend request from 1/2 of a couple that I knew years ago when I lived up'nort. I about died. She and her other 1/2 broke up after 17 years together. We had a lot of catching up to do. From that moment on (a couple of weeks ago), I have been talking to her a LOT. More than any of my other friends. To the point that Mic asked me if I was leaving her. I know she knows I am NOT leaving her.. but that is how abrupt it was. My friend and I picked up where we left off. She talks. A lot. I listen and ask questions- I am good at that. She is also almost computer illiterate (I call her ex-Amish-- she knows sorta how to get around on facebook.. and that about sums it up.) so she calls me and it forces me to talk on the phone...in the MORNING. Anyone who knows me knows that I will do whatever I can to get out of a phone conversation. After being on the phone all day at work.. it is the LAST thing I want to do. We don't talk about anything special. She talks a lot about her ex.. and I know her, and I am the only other gay person in her life that does know her... so I think that makes her feel comfortable. She talks about her mom and sister who I know-- her dad..work.. stuff like that. As I was driving to work today it hit me like a brick... I like talking to her because I haven't told her about the foster/adopt process yet. I have told her all about Mic and I and everything we do... but not THAT. I have all of this time to NOT talk about it... to not think about it... to not OBSESS about it. I don't have to talk about caseworkers or what-if's or what if-not's and everything that goes along with it. I don't have to cry or wonder or worry. I just have to talk about nothing and listen to her talk about her life. At first I felt guilty that I was talking to her SO MUCH. But now, I don't want to stop. It gives me time to NOT think about waiting.. to concentrate more on my relationship with Mic, to have other things floating around in my brain instead of baby stuff... suddenly I am looking forward to doing fun things in the summer, to introducing her to all of my friends, to have her as part of Mic's and my circle. Today is going to be a good day because it is just GOING to be. No tears, extra prayers, no daydreams.. just a day to enjoy. Thassit. *exhale*

Day 9-A picture of your friends

I have been working a trade expo for days.. and I am tired.... and I have to work again tomorrow. So. Lemme see what I can dig up on this laptop...because I don't feel like going downstairs.

Upside of the expo: there are a LOT of lesbos that want to renovate their home.. and I get to look at them. so... yah. thats nice, I guess.

okay. I looked for pictures. I can't put any from this computer that my friends who read this wouldn't say "DEAR GOD, CASEY, TAKE THAT DAMN PICTURE OFF YOUR BLOG!!!"

so. I am gonna play it safe on this one.

Day 8-A place you’ve traveled to

Suddenly I am finding this 30 day thing kinda boring.. where is the meat here? Don't you want saucy, dirty, juicy? About me and sex, love, life, food, embarrassing moments, poop stories and whatever else?

Anyways.. .what was the question? where have I traveled?

Uh.

Here.
(Ireland)
And here..

(Mexico City)

And here... (Appleton.)

Obviously I have been many more places....I should write about the fun and the meaning of the trip. Let me sum it up here: I probably drank a bit in each place and at one time made out with a bunch of guys... and later in my life.. made out with chics instead. I am sure some really funny stuff happened where ever it was. I have fun when I travel.

In conclusion: take a trip with me, I will buy you a drink and force you to make out with people.

What's tomorrow... Day 9: What I had for breakfast. ?

Day 7-Favorite movies

Easy Cheesy (I invite you to clicksie)

Grey Gardens

40 Year old Virgin

Silence of the Lambs

I am also in love with every gay and lesbian movie I rented from Blockbuster on video tape when I was making my journey out... any movie I saw with a special someone, most documentaries and some soft porn (haha)

that would be a big list. so just use your imagination :)

Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy

This is probably going to be one of the hardest for me. I could put a gazillion pictures. I will try to narrow it down though. Please note that I am limited to the photos that are on my laptop. So sue me if you aren't shown.

My dog, Cosmo - we thought it would be a fabulous idea to get a new puppy just 3 months into our relationship! why not??? This is at my old apartment -- he used to fit on the bottom of my computer desk. Now, he is 106lbs and takes up a whole bed. Here is my dear friend, Amy (I call her Nonny) We are in the dorm room at college getting ready for a night on the town. We are going for white and whiter. My perm courtesy of the girl in beauty school down the hall from us.
Mo, Me and Greg. State Fair. Priceless. I love them. My wiff and I on our "honeymoon" camping. The picture of happy :)

Missing photos of: family, geocaching, my neighbors, my co workers, my bike, hiking trails, my bed, aveda products, q-tips, sunscreen.. I could go on.

SIDENOTE: I just finished typing this and I turned to Mic and said... "can you believe we got Cosmo after being together for 3 months??? Did you know in your heart that you were going to be together for a long time at that point??? "

She turned to me and said, "NO! I mean.. that is 90 DAYS! People go to rehab for 90 days.. How would I know that we were going to be together??"

She abruptly stopped that thought after my glare burned through her skin.

Time to play some catch up...

Mo and Greg have departed after a fun 24 hours of lunch/Harley Davidson Museum/Dinner/wine/more drinks to celebrate Reb's b-day/drag show/dancing/drinks and this morning an estate sale (and found awesome stuff we didn't know we needed until we saw it).

I.am.exausted. Just to add to it, I wasn't even drinking after my two glasses of yummy wine at dinner. Why am I the only one who can't keep my eyes open?

Back to it...

Day 5-Your siblings
I am the fourth child. I have an older brother who is almost 48, I think. I also have two sisters (twins) who are 46. There is 8 years difference between my sisters and I. So, instead of being the youngest of four, it often felt as if I was the only child. My sisters had each other to chum around with and they kind of lived in their own little twin world. My brother was so much older than me that I don't remember much of him growing up. My memories start when he was out of the house already. I don't really remember much of him living at home. I know he did. I just blocked it out, apparently.

My sisters are beautiful and have wonderful children and husbands that I don't think are good enough for them. My brother was married at one point and is now divorced. He has suffered with a series of strokes. He is fine, but has made poor choices in his life. We have all tried to help him MANY times - but he continues to go down a path that isn't taking him anywhere - and quickly. I have stepped away from the situation, as he is an adult and if he feels he doesn't need help, that is his decision.

Growing up I remember thinking my sisters were my other moms. They liked bossing me around. They still do :). I remember mom and dad leaving and them having huge house parties, and I would be upstairs in my bed. They would skip out of school a lot and have me get their pink slips out of the mailbox before my mom and dad would come home (I was a latch key kid). They loved giving me horrible perms and trying to teach me how to dress and wear make up. We weren't close then but as adults have grown much closer.

I think that is all I want to share right now about them. I adore my siblings.... and I am in the frame of mind (kind of cranky) (and heard more stuff about my brother today) that I am on the verge of saying something that I shouldn't share - and/or regret in the future.

I am going to have to wait for more catch up until after my nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ohnoooooooo

I missed a post :(

But for good reason: Fish Fry Friday. Then I came home and cleaned the house in preparation of Mo and Greg coming to town!!!

I may miss tomorrow's post too!!!!!! I will catch up- pinky swear!!!

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Day 4-Your parents

My parents......fun, a little crazy, drink too much, sing too loud, cry too often. Softies. They love their kids so much, and their wine and Jack probably just as much.

My parents are and always have been full of emotion. If one moment it is anger.. the very next moment we could all be in a full on belly laugh, dancing on the patio or crying over the saddest story we have ever heard.

My childhood had challenges... but I choose not to dwell on them..... I choose to learn FROM them.

Mom - well, she has this creativeness that amazes me. She was an RN then became an antique dealer. She is hilarious and independent and absent minded. She knows more about history and artifacts than anyone I know. She knits and used to play the guitar and do pottery. When I freak out that I am turning into her... I calm myself by realizing there is no one I would rather turn in to. I love her.

Dad - he has white hair, is big and has these ice blue eyes that actually smile on their own. He has welcoming, comforting hugs, and has always had my best interest at heart. He is an emotional man and makes no apologies for it. He was the VP of sales for a company out in the boondocks near where I grew up. He traveled a lot, and was able to show my mom some wondrous parts of the world because he had to go there for work. He carves wood, and loves to share the trinkets he makes with his grandchildren. He is proud of his ancestry and growing up along the St. Lawrence seaway and having a family that was heavily involved in the railroad and who came from Ireland. He has passed his family's information along on paper. But I do not know his family. I met my uncles maybe a couple of times...I don't remember much. His parents died young, and his in laws were his parents longer than his birth parents. I love him.

sidenote

well- that was depressing. I can't go to bed with that last entry fresh on my brain.

I just had a wonderful brandy old fashioned and a Irish quesadilla at my favorite corner dive bar.

It was so *Bleepin'* good.

Day 3-Your first love

I am sure that there are people that insist that they are with their 1st love RIGHT NOW. For some, that may be true. For me, it isn't. I like to think that I was able to learn a lot about my MYSELF before I found my Mic. My first love was a big part of that discovery for me.

I have written about her here already.. so some of you already may know the story. Her name was Lisa and she was a feisty, muscular, talented, smart, funny butch woman that I would lose myself in. She and I were together for 7 years, and it was up and down and you never knew what the heck was going to happen next... it was passionate, and not always in the good way. We met when she asked me to dance. From that moment on - that was it. I was caught.. hook line and sinker. My family loved her just as much as I.

Our partnership ended when she cheated on me. I can still feel the sting when I think back about those days. When I thought I would literally go insane dialing the cell phone over and over and over. My heart broke.

The connection never stopped though. I moved on - she moved on.. into new relationships, but we kept in close contact.

I was one of her caretakers, along with my bff Maurice and my sisters when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 30. She died when she was 31.

I think of her all the time. Think of things I wish I would have said and remember the great times we had. I try to put the yucky stuff behind me - but I still know I have baggage from it to this day.

She was my first love - and she helped me be a better love to Mic.

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name

My blog name : Me and She.

I stole it.

Kinda.

My mom's initials are M.E. She likes to call herself ME. Not. "EmmmEEEEE" nope. ME.

So, she thinks it is quirky and cute (which - honestly I think it is too) to say Me and He (the HE being my dad) when signing emails, or creating something artsy fartsy or whatever.

A little re-vamping... and we have Me and She. Suddenly it applies to her big gay daughter and her partner... but I will NEVER tell her that, as she would fall over. Not because of the gay thing, but because I have been pawning off as my own.

Truth's out. Just don't tell my mom, please:)

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

Alright- without adieu, here is

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts:

My name is Casey. I am in my late thirty's yet I SWEAR I can't be a day over 19 and I have the hormonal acne to prove it. I have been with my wiff (not quite my wife- YET)Mic for hmm.. 5 years now. Woah. 5 YEARS! huh! We met in the most rooomaannntiiicc way.. online. And, actually, I was too cheap (read: broke) to get my own account, so I had a friend at the time contact her for me. Somehow she fell for that. We live in a little house in Milwaukee. I am a total coupon addict, and like sewing and folk art rug hooking. Gah... I sound like a grandma, don't I?

The reason I have decided to start this 30 day blog challenge is because Mic and I are licensed foster to adopt parents. We have been waiting for placement for 5 months. I didn't think I would be waiting for longer than 5 days. I think I have completely driven myself insane with over thinking every.single.thing.I.do. and SURE I am jinxing ourselves from ever receiving placement.

So - I need to keep myself busy.

Lets move on:
15 Interesting Facts:

1. I kissed my first boy at bible camp. That boy went on to manage bands that primarily plays in strip clubs.
2. I used to sell sex toys at home party's.
3. I used to work in a head shop.... and a porn video rental place...which also had tanning.
4. My first girlfriend was married. The relationship included him... for about 3.5 minutes... then she moved out.
5. I cry at almost every James Taylor song
6. I also worked in a funeral home.. as well as repossessed cars. I have had more jobs than you have underwear.
7. I never graduated college.
8. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 18... but my parents let me drive myself to work when I was 16.
9. I miss driving a mini van. I have owned 3.
10. The best memories I have of my dad are riding on the lawnmower with him cutting the huge backyard singing at the top of our lungs. "OH I WISH I WEEERRRRE... AN APPLE ON A TREEEEEE" .. and "AND IF YOU ASKED HER WHY THE HECK SHE WORE IT.. SHE WORE IT FOR HER LOOVEERR WHO WAS FAAAR FAAR AWAY!!!" We had an awesome set list.
11. I have some crazy thyroid condition that I thought, once I got under control, would make me skinny. That has yet to happen.
12. As much as I pretend I don't... I really do love camping. I just wish we had a trailer of some sort... it doesn't have to be fancy at all. Just up off the ground a bit.
13. I can't cook. Unless you want noodles, grilled cheese, or hamburger helper.
14. I haven't ruled out the possibility of becoming a nun - especially if Mic dies before I.
15. I am tired.

Okay-- I am supposed to put a recent picture here. I think I have to go take one... it will be fancy.. with my phone, don'cha know.

I realized I didn't take a picture last night so I took one this morning... For some reason it is making me laugh..

I am just going to have to do it. 30 days.

I know this may seem like a cop out of sorts, but I need something to let my mind escape the madness that I am sure I am forcing it into. My mind forcing my mind. That doesn't even make sense. That is how coo-coo I am feeling .

So, here it goes.. I am going to be posting 30 Day Challenge as posted on 2 Lesbians and a Baby. One entry a day following this schedule:

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you’ve traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you’re afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you’re looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you’ve learned
Day 25-Favorite memory
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture

I know. Like I haven't already gone over all of this. Get over it... unless you want to see me in a straight jacket.

gahimoverthis.

If you are from, have lived or now live in the north-- well, I can only speak for Wisconsin .. but I bet it is the same anywhere up here. You know that the 2nd week of March is PURE HELL.

We are coming to the end of winter.. there is still snow on the ground and it is freezing... and we can't spend more than 20 minutes or so in direct sunlight without a winter jacket and mittens.

What I am going through now, my peeps, is cabin fever.

I just need to hang on 1 more week or so. Granted, that doesn't mean we wont get a foot more of snow in April.. the chances are just cut down a bunch.

oh. And CW3 is coming on St. Patty's. I told her don't come unless you bring a kid. She thought that was funny. I was serious.

oh yeah-- christmas.

I realized I didn't post any pictures of the holiday gifts I made in 2010. When I went to my camera to download them I realized many of the pictures looked really shitty... so, here are a couple that weren't completely blurred out or were not viewable because of a reflection.

a breath of fresh air?

and we are zen...

Case Worker Tres is wonderful.

She has done everything she said she would, and she had a good sense of humor, too.

We happened to go out for a couple of brandy old fashioned sweets and a fish fry on Friday (do people outside of Wisconsin drink those?) and ran into another social worker. Yes.. small world. Two more BOF's and we are yabba dabba doin' and she asked us who our old caseworkers were.....and who CW Tres is... she said we have the best one there.

good. I want the best one there to be on our team.

EDIT: google "brandy old fashioned sweet- Wisconsin style" and not only will you get some amusing stories and directions on how to make it and order it, but it will state that it is traditionally drank at fish frys, too.

God I love this state. Minus the freaking snow...but that gives us character.

teachers, nurses, state workers.. UNIONS

If you haven't read about what is going on in Wisconsin this past week-- I suggest you g@@gle it. It is simply historical and AMAZING.

The newly appointed republican Governor, Scott Walkers, introduced a bill last Friday that would bust unions. He is trying to take away all rights -- therefore bust-- unions. oh, well.. EXCEPT those of cops, fire fighters and state troopers. Because they gave him money for his election.

All in the state that was the birthplace of the largest and strongest public unions in the United States.

I am NOT a union worker, nor do I think I will ever be one... as they don't really exist in my line of work. But to put it simply, this guy is a total douche bag. No matter where your political beliefs may stand. When we were told he won the election, it felt like most of Wisconsin looked at each other with a puzzled.. WTF?.. on our faces. Only the rich voted for him... as I am SURE no one from the middle and lower classes would be stupid enough to vote this hate monger in... so, it must be true that money buys votes.

*stepping off my soapbox*

Yes.. what is going on in Wisconsin IS historical and can be used to teach our children about democracy and politics for years to come. Well, if we have teachers LEFT in Wisconsin to do the teaching.

Our Weekend..

Valentines Day is our big holiday... (even if it really isn't a holiday).. to celebrate US. We don't buy Christmas gifts, Thanksgiving is for family, Easter we don't really.. "do" at the moment. So I really like celebrating our love at V-day.

She has had no idea what I was planning, so I made a crossword puzzle filled with clues. Did you know that you can do that for free online? I didn't! So, she filled it out and realized that we are escaping for the weekend.. I got a cute little hotel room, we are going to see a play, and she LOVES gardening... so we are going to a landscaping and gardening expo as well. I think she was really surprised!

I have been hella sick with the walking death (a really bad cold) but I am getting to the point where I can kind of keep awake for more than an hour at a time. I am going to make the BEST of this get away!!!! DAMMIT!!!!

PS. Caseworker Numero Three has called us and we have another meeting with her on Tuesday-- just to get to know us better. I am thinking of baking cookies... would that be a little over the top? :/

I hope everyone is well :)

well- we haven't met before, have we?

Caseworkero Numero Three-o.

She is a good one, me thinks. She successfully assisted our now California friends with their two adoptions.

I needed someone who could give me proof that she was a worker bee. After two unsolicited emails to me today-- she has proven just that.

Good things happen in February and March, eh? Mic is convinced that it will happen on a Monday in March the child will be of Mixed or Mexican or Malaysian decent a Male and his name will be something that starts with M but we wont tell ya until it is time.

All M's. Get it? Oh, my Mic.. she is so clever. :/

If she is correct all of that you better believe we are going to get a 1-900 number.

Oh. And it snowed here. A shit-ton. Man.... it sucks.

brandy and hula hooping

Many people have told Mic and I that we need to enjoy these days before we get placement, because then...everything changes.

I realized that when I kissed Mic goodnight and she got in a limo to hang out with her friends from work for the night, and I met some friends downtown for drinks and dinner to celebrate a birthday... then went to the birthday girls house for Wisconsin style Brandy Old Fashion Sweets, and some wii. Sidenote: BOFS's and wii hula hooping makes me wanna barf. Especially after taramisu ice cream and birthday cake.

We, separately, had such a great night! As much as I am looking forward to our family growing, I am making more of an effort to enjoy every moment that we are waiting.

Mic, though, really gave'r . She has been comatose on the couch all day (it is now 4pm) and when I woke her to ask her if she needed anything, she stated... "death... and a big mac".

Do people outside of northern Wisconsin say "gave'r" or "give'r"... as in.. tonight we are gonna give'r. ..meaning... party. ??

Okay. I have to go get a big mac for my love.

I love this morning

I only woke up a little over an hour ago and I am sitting at my desk at the little company that I work for (that happens to be a franchise). I pull up my emails and there is one from my boss who is at his "get away" home in La Quin+a, CA .. on some golf course... and in his email he asked "I am considering opening an office here... would anyone be interested in relocating."

Yes. oh yes. I love this morning.

Concentrate on the Good

I have easily fallen into this frame of mind that I haven't been able to find my way out of. Of course I feel happiness, but I am always one hallm@rk commercial away from tears. I read a facebook of a dear old friend- and she said this:

(just part of the posting)....meditate on the gloriousness of these complications in the positive ways they affect you. For example how the smile of a stranger can brighten your day or how the old man you held the door open for last week said thank you...

I had an Oprah moment. I sat still for a second and it clicked. THAT is what I have been missing.. I have been pushing all the little bits of happiness to the side, and I have fallen into the pity party pit of 1. A party pit of many is a grand time-- but when it is just lil ol' me... booorrriinnggg.

On my ride to work I decided I would concentrate on the smalls. The lil'bits. The simple smiles. And today, I have.

As a previous commenter said about her situation while waiting for her daughter: the wait was hard... but she was waiting for the best.

Happy list for today:

• My dermatologist appointment went great, I got things removed that weren't supposed to be there and my new doc is hot in a hippy straight male sorta way...and I was given the all clear on my weird spots. Though, I felt like a geek sitting on his table with my bucket undies, my worst bra and a paper towel covering me and only one leg shaved because that is all I intended on showing him. He took it all in stride.
• one of my closest friends made "the" appointment for her and her partner to start their family rolling. eeeeep!!!!!!! :)
• Tomorrow I am ordering my rug hooking stand and I am going to the fabric store with my girls. Yeah. I get it. I am a granny. I love it!! :)
• Plans for the weekend are solidified
• Grandma B is going home from the hospital

Side note.. yanno when you get a twitch in your eye.. and you feel like everyone can see it- and you can't get it to go away. I have one in my left butt cheek. It has been there for 2 days... and it may drive me to the mental hospital.

Thank you all for sticking through this with me. xo

reality.

Nope. Nothing.

I am starting to take this all personally. The Universe pointed us in the direction of becoming foster to adopt parents... and now it has had us waiting since September.

My rose colored glasses are starting to fade, and my wonderful wiff is trying so hard to polish them up for me.

You don't have to stay it.. I know.. I KNOW that it will happen when it is right.. and those other babies were probably dulls-ville (and not the cutest- according to Mark). .. and just not our match.

The problem I am having is having faith that our caseworker is doing her job. But, with my craziness.. I don't want to question her because then we may end up even lower on the totem pole.

I have no control.

This weekend didn't make it any better that I was working a trade show ... the whole weekend... (do you know how many insane people just GO to random trade shows for free stuff.. it was like the freaking circus)...do you know how many parents with babies go to trade shows to escape the Wisconsin winters and walk in warm comfort? Lots. nono. LOTS AND LOTS.

It is OUR turn.

I am venting. I am not looking for sympathy. I am fine.

ciw.

bring it.

I am so ready for 2011. Not that 2010 was bad- because it wasn't at all.

Something that I didn't blog much about if at all is the friend drama that I am so happy to close a door on. Mic and I decided there were some "friends" that we had to step away from in order to go forward with growing our family. They were making decisions in their lives that were affecting our friends and, by association, could put us in a situation that would put a kabash on being foster parents. Obviously this has not been taken well. We knew that it wouldn't.

That is one wonderful thing to leave in 2010. A few other things to wave bye-bye to:

• those stanky sandals that could walk on their own-- they are not going to see summer of 2011 RIP
• our upstairs guest bedroom/Rebstar quarters
  
• being a family of 2 women and a dog.

Blessings to everyone in the new year- I think this is going to be a good one!