Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I wish

There was a way to avoid this. I have to believe that I am making the right decision. I have tried to explain to Mic probably a dozen times that it isn't her.

I have always wanted a big family. I see myself as a mom of many. Some children perhaps wander in, some are placed... but I love having kids of all ages around me. Babies are cute and challenging, toddlers are amazing to watch as they discover new things, pre teens are fantastic when trying to figure out who they are, and teens are a riot.

I am not fruit loop. I know they all suck at those ages, too. LOL

The point is, that is what I see in my life. I should have known in the first month that mic and I were seeing each other when she said she didn't want a family, that perhaps this wasn't the road I should have taken. But I chose it. And I have loved it. I love Mic. She has treated me like a queen. The truth is, resentment has started to enter. I know that some people wont understand it because we don't have kids.. but I don't want just one. I don't want someone to put these rules on my life. I don't blame Mic.. she was stepping out of HER comfort zone, and her desires to even follow the path of foster/adoption. I also believe she would have started resenting me... if she hasn't already... in my baby obsession...because the truth is that she didn't want it as much as me.

That doesn't make her a bad person, it doesn't make ME a bad person. We are who we are. I, in my heart of hearts, believe we will continue to care for one another. Truth be told, I am feeling the most calm around her I have in a while.

I don't know that she would feel the same... but that is something I can HOPE for... and perhaps someday she will share ... or she will tell me to eff off. Either way, I will have to handle that.

I will be continuing with my foster/adopt license... as a single mom.

I went to see an apartment today. I absolutely loved it. I loved the feeling I got when I went into it, I loved the warmth.. the neighborhood.. everything. I am going to apply for it. It is in a neighborhood that is a moment away from my sister, and a moment away from my life for the last 6 years. I told Mic that I wanted to be close-ish without being weird.. so I can help with Cosmo, or if she needs help around the house.

I want her to be okay.

I guess I have felt like this with every break up I have had. I have always felt there is no reason for bad blood. We have spent many years together, this person knows me inside and out.. farts and all... she has been the most important thing in my life for almost 6 years. That doesn't change because we have different life plans/desires.

Yes. I want her to be okay. I want her to be treated like the queen.

6 comments:

Mel's Way or No Way said...

I wish you find what you're looking for. Hugs to you and keeping my fingers crossed for the apartment.

paradykes said...

I hope this goes as you wish. I think you are doing what is right for you and for your future. It's always a hard, heart breaking step to make for all involved. I wish you both the best, you both deserve to be treated like queens.

much love, Bobbie

Mina said...

I think you are very brave, and it sounds like it was an extremely difficult decision to come to. I wish you the best of luck in your new journey. I think you are making the best choice, hard it is right now.

Michael & Amy said...

Good luck, Case.

Mark said...

I'm back from vacation and am just catching up. I hope that you got that apartment that you wanted. And like you, I want a bunch of kids. Luckily, Fred does too.
Your Friend, m.

Brenda*Nery said...

Hug