okay fine.

The pictures I have are for shit. I am hoping that others got better ones then I did.. apparently I was very busy talking and drinking sangria. So sue me.

This one is of my sister (in blue) laughing at a stinger of a toast that she is giving Mic (wearing
the birthday hat my nephew brought for "him" and then made "him" return it when my nephew left.. as that is the only one he has) (he is very young.. and thinks only boys have short hair)The next is said nephew on the slip and slide in the front yard.. it cost $3.00 and the kids LOVED it.



































This was the sign I had hanging in the front yard.. again, not a good pic.. but it was cute..

















Okay- Yeah. I am really going to have to send an email out looking for some good pics... sorry to let you down, peeps. All the other ones are half blurry shots of karaoke or people taking pictures of themselves or goddess knows what, when I would leave my camera on a table or something. Funny to me-- but not to the stranger.

Tonight we went out for a fun Mexican dinner with friends.. a tradition for b-days. Good times were had. We sat and laughed and talked for 4 hours.

Oh- awesome news... a friend of a friend got "the call" yesterday. They were signed up to do foster/adopt... and they now are the daddies of a brand new baby boy. And, blessing upon blessing-- he was a "Safe Haven" baby.. the parent is already TPR'd.. and they are able to adopt within 6 months. There are more details, but those are too special to share when I don't have permission. Let me just say that it gives me hope for the future of our family. I understand we are looking at very low risk children... and we are going to have to wait (once the process begins) but that it WILL happen!!!

We are filling out paperwork.... but, seeing as we have rented out a room in our home... I don't know that we can even go much further until Rebecca's lease is up.

I am half wanting to go through that initial class again-- just because I don't even remember what applications are for what. I need to talk to Anne. I feel confused.

My feet are swollen. I wish AF would show up already!

40th Birthday Party (check)

Success! I can honestly say that the party was worth every ounce of work that went into it. Mic had a great time- and so did everyone else. It was a BEAUTIFUL day up until we started singing, and apparently Mother Nature had and issue with that- and opened the clouds. It was okay. We are lesbians.. we were prepared. We moved the karaoke machines into the garage, we had two tents in the drive way and everyone made themselves comfy and laughed and sang until 11:30 when it stopped raining and we took the party out to the campfire in the backyard.

Awesome things that happened: There were so many people here.. everywhere I went, people were laughing, meeting, hugging, sharing stories and creating memories. My friend Anne's son said "Hi Auntie Casey" (awesome!) and then sang his first song.. "Happy Birthday".. the kids were completely entertained by the slip and slide, the kiddie pool, the sidewalk chalk, squirt guns and water balloons which allowed their parents time to entertain themselves. My brother came. My parents came. We had the whole house and yard (front and back), garage and drive cleaned by 10:30am... it is down to 78 degrees with lots of cool wind coming off Lake Michigan, so we turned off the air, opened the windows, and I took a five hour nap.

I absolutely LOVE having people over- hearing people laugh and talk and enjoying themselves in our home. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that people feel comfortable in our home... and WANT to be here.

I am SO THANKFUL for all of the help my friends could give me. If it weren't for Rebecca, Patty and Pat... I would have been walking around in some sort of adult ADD, shandy (a drink popular here in Wisconsin during the summer) induced panic attack.

Now I wish I had a week off.

When you open

yourself up to good things..... good things happen. Michelle was offered a job this morning!!!!

Down side: I have to start doing laundry and cleaning again. boooooooo. :)

hot tamale!

So, to kick start my "summer of feeling better about me" aka..sofbam. :) .. I have splurged on a new fancy haircut.

along with new fancy haircut... mother nature splurged on a big fancy pimple...right on my cheek. ..I think I will name her Zefler. Zefler the zit. How nice of her to visit.

wooot WOO!

In the prime...

My hon turns 40 next week.

40!!!!!


She is looking forward to the party that I am throwing (with the help of some amazing friends...) but, being jobless and forty- that sucks arse. Hopefully lots of friends, sangria, a campfire, karaoke, and lots of laughing will make her feel a bit better. She had a very positive job interview on Monday.. but refuses to think of it any other way-- as there have been many, and she doesn't want to be disappointed again. She is doing really well mentally- and our yard and home and the laundry has NEVER LOOKED BETTER. I am one lucky lady! But, you all know what it means when she gets a job-- we go forward with foster/adoption ... I have been patiently sitting on my hands, trying not to obsess, and putting everything in the hands of the Universe. It will all work out, I have faith.

My friend is going to be trying this new diet plan.. Or, New Lifestyle Plan, I should say. She got the free sample, and says the shakes are good- and she ordered four weeks. I hope it works for her!! I am excited to see her progress!!! I wish I could join her, but it is almost $300.00 for 4 weeks. Yeah. Can't do that. I have my stepper in the basement- and I will be pulling it out once again.

Yanno. I haven't said this enough.. or.. ever. I really REALLY appreciate you guys and gals reading my blog.. giving advice.. sharing hope.. crossing fingers when needed... telling jokes.. it is nice to know that others are out there. In conclusion: I dig y'all.

WWSKD?

What would skinny girls do?


I asked myself that before walking into the Blue Sombrero for margie Friday.

I took the cue from Margo- I ate chips and salsa and drank.

done.

Food.

I know most of you aren't on this train... but I am going to kind of ..or.. try to , work through some things. Fat girl stuff. I just think there HAS to be others out there that are in my same boat. Maybe somehow we can help one another... I think it is going to be a long journey. Don't read if you don't wanna. Take THAT.

Things I need to figure out. Air some dirty laundry. Free my soul. Free the fat.

I have always had issues with food. My mom hid the "good stuff". When I was left to my own will and my parents would leave.. the hunt began. When I would finally FIND the good stuff (usually consisted of potato chips and oatmeal creme pies) I would do one of two things.... eat just enough that my mom would easily think that she did the damage. Or, go for the gusto-- pig out and hide the evidence. I would ALWAYS be caught. I would ALWAYS be questioned. I would ALWAYS lie about it. I wonder if I would have a different relationship with food as an adult if I just had access to it as a child. The weird part.. maybe something I should look into more... there was always ice cream in the freezer. I was a latch key kid... I had a lot of time on my own right after school..I would come home, turn on the tv, and promptly take a LARGE MIXING BOWL out of the cupboard, and fill it with ice cream. Was I doing it to fill the lonely void.. was it my friend? It wasn't as if we were poor. As I look back, I have to say that it is now obvious that my mom had that same crazy relationship--- except in the opposite direction. For lunch she would have a slice of cheese. One slice. No cracker. I think she thought that if she could carry on the rest of the day - so should I. Oh, I should mention, that the slice of cheese was usually accompanied by a glass or four of wine (for her, not me). Around the dinner table is usually when my parents would start the fight for the night. Nothing ever physically abusive.. just crazy drunk screaming, pounding around and acting a fool. So, I would eat as fast as I could, ask the nightly question... "Thank you for dinner, dinner was good, may I please be excused?" and run up to my room to hide, talk on the phone, or....god, I don't know WHAT I did. When my mom started working overnights at the Military Academy, it was up to my dad and I to fix dinner. We would eat one of three things: Hamburger helper (ALL OF IT), Banquet chicken (ALL OF IT) or a massive bag of egg noodles (ALL OF THEM). It was our "treat" our.. acting out because mom was gone.. and we could do whatever we wanted! It is no longer a treat when you have it on a regular basis.

When I moved out on my own, at the age of 18... I don't remember having those issues. I had my own food. I could buy what I want. But then- for some reason- it turned into fast food. I would eat it as I drove, I would stop at more than one place. I would ... very important here.... hide the evidence. I moved back home... it got worse. I moved away again- went to college, failed miserably-- and ate myself sick. At one point I ended up in the hospital parking lot thinking something was seriously wrong with me... until I puked the cart full of junk food that I ate because I was alone. Because I could. But I still hid the evidence.

Where is all of this coming from? Why now? I am in control of my life. I have a job, I have a partner, I have friends.

I started thinking that is HAS to be something from my past. I don't think it was one particular incident. No- I am not blacking out any abuse.. nothing like that.

It all popped up again when I found out that Mic is going to be gone tomorrow night... my first thought was "oh! what can I have for dinner that she wouldn't need to know about??"

My second thought was, "Lord, you are one fucked up individual."

In order for me to become a healthy whole individual, this all has to get ironed out.

Crazy part-- I KNOW what I need to do. I know WHAT exercises to do. I know what to eat, how many calories to consume, how much water, what to stay away from.

Why isn't it just that simple?


It is an addiction.

I am addicted to eating.

I am addicted to binge eating.

I am addicted to hiding my food.

It has been my friend, my comforter, my company, my secret, my crutch, my peace keeper.

I need to identify my triggers. I need to learn how to function as a healthy adult, and not give myself any other "out"

I need a magic pill. Where the hell are those? I think I sprinkled them all over my mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Waiting...

Mic is still out of a job. She is trying.. trust me, she is.

I want her to find a job not only to get her self worth back on track, but to get the family planning back on track, too.

I am throwing her a party for her 40th birthday which is right around the corner. I am SO NERVOUS about it. It was supposed to be just a small gathering.. some friends.. some family... on the DL. But, now it is has turned into over 30 people.... I am planning karaoke and flip cup and a campfire with smore's and lots of rum. I hope we are blessed with good weather-- if not, we are skeeeerewwweed. I am SURE it is going to be a great day.

It is the "19th Anniversary of her 21st Birthday".... instead of over the hill.. I thought this would be more fun.

It is a gloomy day here in Milwaukee, and I have been inundated with weird calls. I am sure everyone who answers a phone at their place of employment gets strange calls.... imagine being at a funeral home... I get doosies.. Soon, if Blond Ambition doesn't step it up and give me some funny - I am going to have to switch to keeping track of the loony bins that call.

Oh- also- watched Obsessed for the first time lastnight. Should I be concerned that I could pick out at least 3 of the behaviors the girl with the fear of death had that I have as well??? crap.

Pictures...

Oh- before I upload some pics... When you go to your pride or your next public summer gathering-- I will share with you my new favorite game...Pride Pairs! While people watching.. it was fascinating to watch the couples walk by and figure out what they had in common... there is ALWAYS one thing.. if is the same brand/style of shoes...to their hair....to the style of their shirt... there is SOMETHING.This was my favorite couple:





Of Course I insisted that Mic and I are NOTHING like this... then I looked down.. same Keens... same bracelet... matching necklace.

shit.

we are.

More pics...

The first two were a couple of floats from the parade..

then some friends.. Mic, Brenda, Mo, Rebecca, Greg and Wendy.... then a cute one of Mo and Greg...

It is taking me for EVER to upload pics. I use picassa and I dislike it a LOT. Anyone else use anything that they like? Let me know...(that is a free download or something) I want to be able to simply re size pics.

Whirlwind!

This weekend was a blast! I think it was one of the best Pridefest's to date, not to mention the most economical! We were able to only have to pay for one ticket all weekend (normally it is $13.00/day) with the "bring canned food, get in free" promotion. Worked like a charm.. who would have thunk it... I could have been taking advantage of this for YEARS.

Cyndi Lauper was FANTASTIC. What made it even more fantastic was seeing a bunch of old friends.. one of them being Anne from over there at "Are You Kidding?".. I invite everyone to go read her blog. I can honestly say that she is one of my favorite people. Not just because I was smart and lucky enough to date her.. but she lives life with everything she has.... and gives so much of her heart to others. I am so lucky to still have her in my life. She got some great videos... we had a ton of laughs... and I was so happy to see her and Staci out for a night of fun. I wont gush anymore about her. It makes her uncomfortable :)

Friday night was Mic's night to woop it up-- and she can now check that off of her list with a big SUCCESSFUL stamp. .. wooeeey.. she did a number wooping it up, and felt the effects well into Saturday. We had friends over for the pre-pride bbq...and quickly realized that in the midst of Mic's wooping.. she invited everyone she spoke with over for lunch. It was a GREAT time. I love having the house full of people... hearing them laugh.. and knowing that I am able to provide them a comfortable place to relax and be themselves. It is such a good feeling.

Saturday was MY night for wooping.. it was fun. A lot of fun.

Sunday we had the parade.. best one to date. It was full of queens on cars, and dancing cowboys.. and interesting people in um.. interesting leather outfits.. ... and pflag people (who I shuttled in my car to the parade start-- one had a bum knee...they were adorable.. ) And I kept thinking-- what if someone stumbled accross this parade.. it would be SO WEIRD to an outsider. Okay- but, some of it is SO WEIRD even to insiders.

I have a zillion pictures.. some of which I will post when I get home. Of course only the ones of me without a double chin and that doesn't show my fat gut or wide ass.

I am in complete awe of how fat I have gotten. I don't know how it is possible for one person to let themselves go in this manner. I almost had all of Sunday ruined by my horrible frame of mind. I went to put on a pair of jean crop pants that I wore a million times last summer. I couldn't get them buttoned. And, people.. I am not talking about.. suck it in a bit and button.. I was flat out on the floor .. sucking it in ... AND STILL COULDN'T BUTTON. I immediately went into a state of panic and horror... and thought of all the photos that were taken the night before.. and how could I delete them from everyone's camera before they hit facebook and whatever else was out there. I couldn't focus.... it was a panic attack in the making. Mic saw me wandering around with this terrorized look on my face... and I explained my situation. She said "well.. you have to do something about this... it isn't going to get fixed if you can't see that it is broken." I see it.. I SEE IT... I feel it.. I know it is an issue. For the love of god, one of the reasons we aren't TTC is because of my weight. WHAT?? THAT IS F-ED UP! I am not going to conceive a child because of something that I CAN FIX?

I have hit a new low.

It is like I don't have a connect between my mind and my stomach. You know who are the best rationalists and persuaders? fatties, like me. I can rationalize anything I eat.

BAH.

I am done talking. Time for action.

I got off on a tangent....

In conclusion: Pride weekend was great. I am sick of being so fat. Thank you for listening.

And girls, They wanna have fu-un.

Pride weekend in Milwaukee is THIS weekend!! It is a biggie! The rainbow flags are flying all over Milwaukee... the lakefront is busslin'.. the church people are warming up their megaphones... woot!

Not only is Pridefest in general a BIG DEAL.. but it is also the kick off of the summer festivals in Milwaukee... there are tons.. and they are FUN!!!!

Tomorrow, Mo and Greg are heading down and we will bundle up (because hell, its JUNE in Wisconsin and it will be in the 50's at the lake after dark!!!!) and head down to see a little Cyndi Lauper and some other great entertainment! Saturday we are having our annual pre-pride bbq - nothing fancy, just lunch and drinks... so we all don't spend so much money down there. It ADDS UP! Saturday day night it is Brandi. I am sure there will be 1 or 7 times I will be on a picnic table with the other gays boogie-oogie-ooging. (note to self: google Brandi's songs. or is it Brandy... note to self.. figure out who this chick even is, so I don't have to "oprah lip sync").

Sunday is the parade - I usually spend the time in tears....if it is for the cute kids and families in the Wisconsin Rainbow Families...or the supportive churches.... or the super fun square dancing hunks from Chicago. I don't know WHY I tear up with them... maybe because I am just so f-ing full of pride at that point... it is bubbling over. Your guess is as good as mine. It probably is just the residual rum from Saturday night making it's way through my tear ducts.

So- in conclusion, the weekend will be fun..

HAPPY PRIDE, people..happy pride!

leather bound books?

When I first started my job here at "le elite funeral home", I was in awe at the weirdness of the players in the funeral home community. Characters, to say the least. Every once and a while the owner (affectionately known as Howdy) would proclaim that he is going to the "library". This place is HUGE- it is not by any means your standard funeral home. I would always think to myself... I wonder where the library is? I don't remember seeing one.. But it was not out of character for him to wander, perhaps take a nap.. or god knows what else.

Soon I realize... yeah. Its the bathroom.

Well.. as of today, it has taken a new low. He says.. as he is quick-walkin' it down the hall.. "I will be in the library.. for.. well, maybe a little while...maybe a couple minutes.. . but, um.. probably not that long...I guess we will see!!!" (as if I needed to know how this pooper was working)

That was right after he was walking around the office with my peanut butter, eating it with a spoon.

Blech.

I love little blue monsters.

Grover for president.

This. Rocks.

I needed a good laugh...