Thursday, January 21, 2010

yarf.

The three of us (mic, rebs and I) just had our first personal training session.

We are being trained by a cutie patootie 25 year old lesbian who thinks that Rebs and I are together. I didn't have enough air in my lungs or strength in my jaw to tell her otherwise...

I think I left a little bit of my soul in that training room.

I don't know what on earth I was thinking... that I was going to do a 5K in MARCH. bwwaaahahahaha.

I WILL do one. March is MORE than questionable. I don't think I know how out of shape I really am. I am good at dieting... I know how to eat correctly. I have been "working out" but lord almighty, I didn't REALLY work out until tonight.

I got through the session .... barely... and I almost tossed my cookies in a wastepaper basket in front of Lesbo Trainer. I about died. I had EVERYTHING going through my head.. what if I ran with the basket into the aerobics room......hit the elevator button and run onto it with the trash.... die and it just be over..... throw up in my mouth and swallow it....

Instead we left.

I ate an apple when we got home, and I felt much better.

Now I am going to cross my fingers that I can walk tomorrow.

.... annddd of COURSE I have facebooked Lesbo Trainer. duh.

8 comments:

Jude said...

You'll be ready for the March 5K. This was only the first session, of course you're going to feel like crap. It'll get better as you go, just keep on training. My bet is you'll be more than ready.

Amy said...

Good job, Casey!

2momswithaplan said...

As soon as you mentioned the cute lesbo I thought of this joke... read, laugh, and enjoy!
~~~
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

(cont. in the next comment) :)

2momswithaplan said...

(cont.)

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

cindyhoo2 said...

I think that personal trainers are secret sadists who enjoy the pain of others. :) I alsolove the comment left by 2MWaP.

BTW: great job!!

Angie said...

I'm trying to do a 5k in march too! the shamrock shuffle in madison. we should do it together! :)

Angie said...

oh, and is 25 year old lesbian trainer single? mama needs a play thing. muhahahaha!

C.I.W. said...

You gals are wonderful-- REALLY!!!

2Mw/AP - That was HILARIOUS!!!!

Angie- I will figure something out for ya :)