Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I need to get this off of my chest.

To many -- okay all but two-- of you reading this, it will mean nothing to you. This is something that I have to get off of my chest and put it out there for the universe and to finally be rid of it riding around like a rabid monkey on my back.

Lisa died 3 years ago.
We broke up over 2 years prior to her death-- it could have been almost 3 years, I am not good with the time frame of things around that time. She was part of my life on an almost daily basis, even after the break up, as my bff Maurice lived in the same duplex as her. What a tangled web we weave. She was then diagnosed with ovarian cancer - had one surgery - then another- then chemo and radiation and all of this horrible crap that I wont go into detail about. Maurice became her caregiver, I went up once sometimes twice a week to take care of her. Even after our horrible break up- we still had a bond. We were each others first loves, we were together for 7 years, we knew things about one another and experienced things with each other that will never be repeated again in this lifetime - MANY good and bad times. She was put on hospice on a Wednesday and she died at 12:20am on a Sunday. Her death was the most horrific thing I could ever imagine experiencing.

Here is the point of this blog. I need to apologize to those I hurt during this experience.

I am sorry to Lisa's step siblings for shooing them (that is putting it nicely) out of the house when they showed up after they heard she died. I should have given you your time. Who am I to make the rules?

I am sorry to Mic for inserting Lisa and her wellness and her life and death in so many of our conversations. You were an amazing woman and partner to understand my need to be there for her in life - and now you still have to hear about it in death.

I am sorry to those that didn't get one of her memorial programs. I didn't know so many were going to be there. I wish you had all of the photos and poems that were on it. It was beautiful.

I am sorry that I still have memorial money in a drawer in my basement. There isn't much- but I can't decide on where it should go in her name. It sits there and I think about it on almost a daily basis. Especially when it is an anniversary of our life her life/death etc...

I am sorry to the funeral director that came to the house that night. I was crazy. No one knew how to handle me.

I am sorry for staring at the doctor that took care of her.. and did her second surgery...while Mic and I are at the bar when we go there. She owns it. I should know better then to go there.


*exhale*

She and I had conversations before her death that will never ever fade from my memory. We shared times together after her diagnosis that I will never experience with someone again. I promised her, in my car one night after her chemo appointment, that I would never ever forget her. We cried and hugged.

I am sorry, Lisa, but I need to move on. I need to take what we shared together and put it in a safe little bundle in my heart. You will never be forgotten. I think that you would understand that I need to move forward. That, as much as I miss you (so much sometimes that there is physical pain) I think you would want me to be happy.

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Why do I have so much guilt? Am I wired differently?

13 comments:

2momswithaplan said...

Guilt is a part of grieving. You have every right to feel the way you feel. We all grieve differently. I'm sorry you lost your friend and ex lover. Be thankful for those moments you had with her before she passed and never let them go from your memory.

As for the money from her memorial... have you thought about donating it to the cancer research fund in her name?

C.I.W. said...

2mw/ap:
yes- I have thought about that- but knowing her, I think she would want it to go to something that was more local and would touch people directly.

She stayed at this place called Kathy.'s H.ouse while she did some treatments. I have been toying with the idea of giving it to them as they did so much for her.

areyoukiddingg said...

You are too kind of a person. While I understand and empathize on many levels, I wonder too....did she ever apologize? I know it is the kind thing to remember the good in a person...I have a problem with her taking you to the grave with her...buried in guilt. You have less to be "sorry" for.

C.I.W. said...

We both did a lot of apologizing for our behavior. I don’t know that THAT is part of the problem I am having. I don’t know WHAT the problem is that I am having. And I wonder where it is all coming from—Seeing that doc at M’s on Friday? The facebook page that someone made in her memory? Her birthday on the 2nd? Her DOD anniversary on the 28th? Her dads girlfriend making contact with me? UGH. It has all come flooding back in a rush. I would hope that she didn’t drag part of me to the grave with her—but maybe she did? Maybe it is because I was cheated on…. Obviously I wasn’t the best one for her—and now I am scared that I wont be the best one for Mic. Barf. Maybe that is it.

Amy said...

I honestly don't know what to say and there is obviously a lot that went on that I don't know about. But you CAN NOT feel guilty. I mean, what for? That she got sick? It's not your fault. You did way more for an ex partner than I would have done. WAY MORE! Get rid of the money and by that I mean figure it out and donate it. You ARE holding on for too long. Have you talked to any counselors? Let them help you work through what you are worried about. And yes, move on. But you won't ever forget her.

cindyhoo2 said...

Oh sweetie, tough emotions. It is odd how love and loss and guilt and fear all get tied up together. It sounds as though you and she had some lovely times during and after your time as lovers. Those are the important memories. You were not emotionally equipt to handle her death and it sounds like Mic understood that in a way only a true soulmate can. You have found a way to forgive her and others: now turn that love and care to yourself and forgive. I like the local charity idea. Do it tomorrow! Holding on to the money is a way to metaphorically keep your foot in the past. (())

Dani and Dru said...

Hugs. I have an ex, Lisa, who died too...it was the hardest thing I ever went through...I wish I could write a post like that. You handled it very well. xo

Jude said...

I agree with the local giving in her name and to also get it done soon this way you will be totally free to move forward in your life. You will always carry her in a never to be forgotten part of your heart. Make those happy memories a fuel for you to release the guilt now too.

Angie said...

i get it. i would be exactly like you if (unmentionable). and NO one can tell you how or when to leave your past in the past. when you love someone despite their flaws and lack of commitment, that, my friend is unconditional love. that doesn't go away, nor can you make it... (and if you figure out how, let me know) you will always have her in your heart, but she doesn't have to be in your day to day. donate the money, and let go of the guilt. then, get on with your wonderful life you have with your wonderful wife.

Kate said...

Hugs- you sound like a wonderful person to me. RIP Lisa.

Jen said...

Oh sweetie. Much hugs to you, my friend. xoxo

CJ said...

No, you are wired just right. Ash and I reconnected after her ex died...while planning her memorial. Talk about guilt. The QUESTION is always there....would we change it if we could? Bring her back and take us away?

CJ said...

Wow - that was an intense post. Such an emotional time, I don't think it's uncommon to wonder what you would do differently if presented with the same situation. I'm hoping time heals the guilt and leaves you with just the beautiful memories of her.