To many -- okay all but two-- of you reading this, it will mean nothing to you. This is something that I have to get off of my chest and put it out there for the universe and to finally be rid of it riding around like a rabid monkey on my back.
Lisa died 3 years ago.
We broke up over 2 years prior to her death-- it could have been almost 3 years, I am not good with the time frame of things around that time. She was part of my life on an almost daily basis, even after the break up, as my bff Maurice lived in the same duplex as her. What a tangled web we weave. She was then diagnosed with ovarian cancer - had one surgery - then another- then chemo and radiation and all of this horrible crap that I wont go into detail about. Maurice became her caregiver, I went up once sometimes twice a week to take care of her. Even after our horrible break up- we still had a bond. We were each others first loves, we were together for 7 years, we knew things about one another and experienced things with each other that will never be repeated again in this lifetime - MANY good and bad times. She was put on hospice on a Wednesday and she died at 12:20am on a Sunday. Her death was the most horrific thing I could ever imagine experiencing.
Here is the point of this blog. I need to apologize to those I hurt during this experience.
I am sorry to Lisa's step siblings for shooing them (that is putting it nicely) out of the house when they showed up after they heard she died. I should have given you your time. Who am I to make the rules?
I am sorry to Mic for inserting Lisa and her wellness and her life and death in so many of our conversations. You were an amazing woman and partner to understand my need to be there for her in life - and now you still have to hear about it in death.
I am sorry to those that didn't get one of her memorial programs. I didn't know so many were going to be there. I wish you had all of the photos and poems that were on it. It was beautiful.
I am sorry that I still have memorial money in a drawer in my basement. There isn't much- but I can't decide on where it should go in her name. It sits there and I think about it on almost a daily basis. Especially when it is an anniversary of our life her life/death etc...
I am sorry to the funeral director that came to the house that night. I was crazy. No one knew how to handle me.
I am sorry for staring at the doctor that took care of her.. and did her second surgery...while Mic and I are at the bar when we go there. She owns it. I should know better then to go there.
She and I had conversations before her death that will never ever fade from my memory. We shared times together after her diagnosis that I will never experience with someone again. I promised her, in my car one night after her chemo appointment, that I would never ever forget her. We cried and hugged.
I am sorry, Lisa, but I need to move on. I need to take what we shared together and put it in a safe little bundle in my heart. You will never be forgotten. I think that you would understand that I need to move forward. That, as much as I miss you (so much sometimes that there is physical pain) I think you would want me to be happy.
Why do I have so much guilt? Am I wired differently?
2 weeks ago