Updates

I am getting more and more settled into my apartment and have one last random box that is begging me to unpack it, but it is all pictures and I don't want to put things on the wall so willy-nilly. The walls will be there and I will figure out just how I want things.. I think I will be in this apartment for awhile, so there is no rush.

Mic's grandma died last week. She was an amazing and strong woman. I really enjoyed her..and whenever there is someone around me that dies, I am now wishing I had spend more time with her.

Mic asked me to be a the funeral, so of course I was there. It was the first time I would see her family since the break up. Yes. It WAS awkward. I just had to keep it in my head that I was there for Mic and grandma- and it wasn't about how comfortable I was or wasn't.

As I walked in her friends were surrounding her, and I was glad they were there for her. Her dad approached me and we both broke down crying as we hugged, her sister completely avoided me, and her mom was cordial. Mic said hi...and then the mass started. A few of the friends came to where I was sitting to
say hello. I am not going to lie... I was a big mess the whole time. Crying like a baby- but keeping it under wraps so I didn't look completely insane.

It really hit me at that point how people view break ups. I may be completely on my own little island with this thought process... But hear me out. I started thinking about my siblings and the breakups they went through with long term relationships. They, as well as my parents, are still in touch with every one of them. Even the ex wife of my brother. I am still in contact with my exes, and would consider one of them a very good friend. So, in my thought process, I feel like in life we are always evolving .. Always changing and realizing what we want from this very short time on earth. In my case with mic... I adore her.. I enjoy her... But on a daily basis (sometimes hourly) I would have to convince myself that we were doing the right thing in the foster process. I KNEW her thoughts on having a family were different than mine. It was driving me deeper and deeper into a hole because I felt I was changing my life plans because of someone else. It also wasn't fair that I was asking her for more than she was comfortable. Feelings changed for me, and it was simply time to move on.

My family and friends understood, supported my decision, and my friends and my mom and dad and sisters have all reached out to her in some fashion.. Telling her they love her.

I know that there are lots of people who think I am crazy when I try to explain all of this. Maybe I am. Believe me it would be different if there was cheating, or abuse or something like that...

What I just really want to happen is for mic and I to be ok with one another. For mic to be okay with me.

Onward.. My parents 50th wedding anniversary was yesterday. We had an intimate day with just my immediate family. We went to mass where they had their rings blessed, ate way too much at my sisters, and went on a boat tour of Milwaukee and my friend Angie met us at a park to take family pictures. I proudly was able to present a video I made for then and gave everyone a jump drive of all the slides I scanned for my parents. You could tell they were overjoyed the whole day :) I accidentally left my phone in the car with my two teenage nieces and have a 2836 pictures of them with fish faces. As my nieces get older and I enjoy them more and more- all of their quirky hormone raged selves, the idea of fostering teens continues to mull around in my brain. I think I will talk to CW3 when she comes over on Friday.

Ok... I have to be productive today and go make a curtain for my back hallway door. The neighbor has had some very close opportunities to see my nekkid butt, toweled wrapped body, or me binging at the counter on cheese and crackers. Yes. Time for a curtain, indeed.

Ps. Rebs, in the time frame of one week: was offered a job at an amazing funeral home, put her two weeks in at the craptastic funeral home, was escorted out- because they are asshats, and promptly broke both if her feet as she fell in a pothole.

I am overjoyed at the opportunity she has at this freaking AWESOME home, but this means she is moving an hour and a half away. :(


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Holy crap

I just wrote a HUGE entry on my phone only using my thumbs ... And it is gone.


Son of a.

The move

I simply couldn't have gotten through today without my friends. Anne started out my day with a hilarious voicemail giving me support and telling me what songs it is good to listen to today, and what songs to steer clear of... GOOD: I Can See Clearly Now... BAD: Gimme One Reason (Tracy Chapman). I talked to her later and told her that I am not even going to risk it and will keep all music off all day. :)

I got a couple of calls from my friend Traci, all chuck full of inspiring words. Even my mom called to see if she could bring over some fruit salad she just happen to make -- but she wasn't sure I had a refrigerator or chairs to sit on. Apparently she thought I was squatting in some condemned building or god knows what. She cracks me up.

Nonny wrote me a wonderful email :) I miss you, chica.

Then best of all my girls, Angie and Rebs both popped in after work and they brought me beautiful hydrangeas and groceries to start me out. I love them. They are EXACTLY who I needed to see at the end of this crazy day.

Thank you girls---you all mean the world to me. I love you.

So *exhale* here I am.

So far... So good :)



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Today and Tomorrow

Today I have been packing since 8am. It is now 6pm. I did have a small break to go to the doctor for a pap. I wish that said "I had a break for a big glass of wine".

Unfortunately, that didn't go well. I will post more when I know more.

Packing has one more level to go. Tomorrow I will get up early and take the dog to school, and sort some things out in the garage before the movers get here at 9am.

I am keeping my chin up as well as constantly saying a prayer that God will push me in the right direction to make me the person I am meant to be. You would think that I, being the one who is creating this life change, wouldn't be saying THAT prayer.. because you would think I have that figured out. Honestly, I don't. I am following my happiness. Other than continuing with the foster process.. I don't know what that means.

I have been thinking more about fostering teens. It wouldn't work right NOW because I don't have a large enough space.. but I do think it is in my future.

Okay. Back to the boxes.

Hey- thank you again for being so nice to me. :) Your words give me strength that I need. Keep Mic in your prayers, too. Thanks xoxo.

Dear

People who I once called friends...

Stop putting ideas into her head on what YOU think the truth is. I haven't lied. I have been truthful. If you (who have their own effed up relationship) don't like my reasons... Guess what? I.DON'T.CARE.

I'm starting to get pissed off.

It is interesting when something like this happens and peoples true colors start coming out. I refuse to stoop to their level. I refuse to make waves. That isn't who I am.

Breathe.

This too shall pass.


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honestly...

the kind words that you all have left and the time taken to read my "woes" are so helpful.. you have no idea... or maybe you do.

It feels a little bit better to know that I am not the first person to feel the way I do.

The moving date has been moved up. I want her to be able to heal and if I am around.. that isn't going to happen.

I have to get into my apartment-- and get it ready for Caseworker III to do a home inspection. Lets get back on this roller coaster :)

xo
ciw

Over stayed

I think I am over staying my welcome. It is hard for Mic to move on with me here... I think I am going to pack up as swiftly as I can... and move on.

We seemed to have caught a groove. We were doing okay. I was feeling at peace. Then she went out with a couple of friends of hers last night. I am going to guess they spent quite a bit of time talking about it... as I got texts from them today, and so did a friend of mine (which I think was completely out of line). Mic wrote a letter, and she was far more emotional today than she has been in a couple of weeks.

I don't mind her talking to them, as she needs to talk to someone. But if they are putting things in her head... then I will be pissed. The text that I got from one of them said.. "don't think that the grass is greener.. because it isn't... you will regret this" I am thinking, are they all thinking I am leaving mic for someone else?!!?!??! That isn't the case. Not for a moment. The grass will be greener because *I AM PLANTING MY OWN GRASS*. Smoke that, sister.

There were some other comments made.. but I don't want to dwell on it. I can't. I don't have the time or energy for drama. That is exactly what I wanted to escape. Mic and I shared almost 6 years together... she knows a LOT about me... and I her. There is no reason why there has to be a drama- snowball starting. I wont stand for it.

I am ready for some normalicy. Just a little. Please. preeettttttyyyy ppuullleeeeezzzeeeee.