Today...

After reading the post I wrote earlier- I can't help but think how much that would hurt Mic's feelings. But really- it isn't about her. She is quite wonderful. It is about me. It is about my _______(insert whatever issue you want).

So, in case she reads this-- which I don't think she does, BUT- in case.

Mic-
I love you. You try and try and try so hard to understand me, and that isn't fair to you. There are times I don't understand me.

All you want is for me to be happy.

A very high percentage of the time, I radiate happiness. There are just those hard times that the self doubt creeps in.

I am fixing those times.

Thanks for being my partner in crime for the last 5 years. I am ready for 5 more. Small steps, yanno? :)

Thank you for making my attic warm. (no- literally- nothing dirty...she insulated the attic)
Thank you for catching me up on my dirty laundry, too. (again- literally)

xo.
cik-w

Is everything perfect in Perfectville?

**WARNING- THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME SOUND TOTALLY INSANE, BUT I NEED TO WORK THROUGH THIS**


Today, right after SLAMMED the basement door and stomped downstairs (simply because Mic was humming and cleaning) I took a few breaths and wondered what had gotten into me?

First I broke it down a bit

a) I was pissed off EXTREMELY because she was humming and cleaning.. why?
- I felt she was cleaning up after me, which immediately made me feel inadequate
and the phrases "dammit, Casey- just freaking pick your shit up- it would
make her HAPPY" ran through my mind..and "God, Casey- you LOSER.. now she
has to pick up your stuff, because you are so f-ing lazy"

Those thoughts came in my head in a nanosecond and left my head in a nanosecond. But that is the kind of talk that I have always done. If it is in regards to food, relationships, what I am worthy of, how I look etc.

"Why did I eat that? I have NO self control..I am so gross.. no wonder I am so ugly and fat"

"I can't go into that room of people and talk.. I am not nearly as pretty, I don't have a
great job, I don't have a family.. and what would I TALK to them about.. I will be THAT
girl that sits in the corner"

"I don't deserve a nice purse like that-- maybe once I feel better about myself.. when I lose
weight.. when I feel prettier.. THEN I can get that purse"

It is so bizarre to me how my mind works.. why I self doubt and have this horrible self esteem and self image.

I thought about all the blogs I read-- and how they are sunny and great, and everyone loves one another, and life is GRAAAANNND. I always read and walk away with a sense of "I want to be that happy.. that person is so in LOOOVVEEE... obviously they are doing something RIGHT!"

Then I look at the friends in my life... and I realize *I* do the same things to them. "My life is fantastic!" "We never fight!" "I am doing GREAT!"

While they are telling me all of their woes.

I think that in my head I want them to see me as "doing GREAT!" as IN MY HEAD.. I am self doubting myself from here to Switzerland and back. (But of course I could never go to Switzerland because everyone is so beautiful... gaaaaahhhhhh)

I feel like I am on this blogger "island" that I used to be on when I would journal by hand, too. Only blog/journal the happy! Why remember the ick? I am not going to blog exactly how I feel as I don't want anyone to think I am a nutcase! When- in reality- if I would have journaled/blogged the crazy all along, I wouldn't be starting to see a therapist on Tuesday.

*Exhale*

Now she is vacuuming and I am on the computer.

I blame her for NOTHING. She is doing what she is doing. She SHOULD be. She is very tidy, she follows through on things, she is focused. Where I am different... shiny things take my attention away, I go from one thing to another to another.

I think, when I ask her "is something bothering her?" and she 97% of the time says "no- nothing" -- when there IS something bothering me... I don't want to tell her- as I will look that much weaker. She has never showed her weakness. Other than bugs. She can't kill bugs. But she grew up in a great family, that have all stuck together (mine is a bunch of wandering hippies and we are a bit looney)...she has only had 3 jobs (I have had 1567 of them- and they all come with their own crazy story)...she is determined and when she puts her mind to it she does it (I float- I have great ideas that I will try for a bit... and then I get bored-- and then I move on)

We ARE DIFFERENT...it doesn't mean I love her any less. I just feel like no one out there ever talks about it-- so... it makes me feel like I am the only one.

I feel like the crazy one--

So- there you have it. This is a work in progress. This is me ranting and raving. This is me trying to figure this out.

*EXHALE*

I need to go take a shower... get on with my day.. put a smile on my face until I figure out how I CAN deal with my issues. As they are all mine---tied up in a rainbow colored bow. Because I couldn't figure out what color I liked best. And, if anyone else would like it-- as I wouldn't want to offend their color choice.

*eyeroll*

news story

This was on and I cried and cried.



I am ready universe..

http://www.wisn.com/family/25514538/detail.html#COMMENTTOP

Ugh

Fat girls nightmare... To have sales roleplaying video taped in front of you - and through every play back you are on a huge screen sitting in the background dead in between the role-players...

Holy motivation.

Mich'gnkid

There was this guy in grade school who was from Michigan. I never knew his name.. so I always called him Mich'gnkid.

I am in a hotel in Michigan.. I want to go out and do things like Ge0caching... but I am SO TIRED and it is like afreakin' hurricane out there. I am here for sales training.. which so far is going well. I have learned how to shake hands. How to leave a voicemail. Oh, and how to hand someone my business card. But at least I am learning this totally lame stuff in Michigan instead of Wisconsin....and I can take as long as I want in the shower....and then someone makes my bed.

With that said, I miss my Mic.

OH DUH. I forgot to update everyone on my birthday: it rocked. I had some of my most favorite people around me, and we laaauugghhed and laauuggghheed and drank too much. We went to dinner at this place and then we went to this place and Rebs made this AH-MAZING cake. Peanut butter and chocholate. I know. Honestly. No words for this.

I didn't want to do anything. Like I said in my last post, I am not a big birthday person. Everyone rallied and made it really nice. I am appreciative of that!

Okay, back to my TLC marathon. I think 19 kiddles and counting is on tonight. Honestly.. they are STILL counting? yikes.

Tropical Destinations

Today I turn 37. I am not that girl who loves birthdays... and gets all smooshy over them and loves to be pampered on them. Maybe someday I will be, but I am not there yet. I am thankful to have seen this many years - as there are many who aren't able to.

Next week I have to go to L@nsing Michig@n. All I know is between 8-5 I am going to be stuffed into a little classroom with 14 men learning sales crap. Then, I get to burrow into a fluffy king size bed.

Part of my big change that is happening.. wait.. before I go there.. I just want to clarify that I do write about these "big changes" that I am always "going" to make in my life. I don't think that I am unlike anyone else who starts something and then it goes to the wayside. Perhaps it is just easier to count the fails when I am writing it down all the time. You would think it would be opposite, eh? Like.. I am blogging this- so there are people out there who are going to keep track of me.. so I BETTER follow through! Guess what? Doesn't happen like that.

So.. I am going to be seeing a therapist. Starting on the 2nd. I am going to be seeing her for the following issues:

1. Self worth - feeling worthy of .. well.. ANYTHING
2. Self Esteem - in my head I am never enough (pretty,smart, outgoing, funny, cute, etcetc)
3. Food addiction:
- I need to stop convincing myself that it is okay to eat (bad day/stressed/celebration etc)
- Eat only until full then STOP
- stop rationalizing the bad food (this is the only time I have eaten today so I am going to eat
THIS)
4. Get help getting over food anxiety - (I have to eat it all or it will be gone the next time I look
for it) - which stems from my mom hiding the food when I was growing up... and the
comments that went along with it.

My hopes are that by getting my HEAD straightened out, when I start WW AGAIN (for the 139028th time) on November 6th - that it will be the right combination for success. I am not looking for a miracle. I just want to be a little more normal when it comes to food.

I want to give you fair warning.. I will be blogging about this probably a lot. I know that so many of you come looking for baby updates. Well, I have done everything I can do - now it is out of my hands. I could blog each day about how I wish the phone would ring, or that when I didn't recognize the number on the caller i.d. I thought for SURE it was time-- instead it was Walgre#ns.

So, there you have it, Big Changes Fall Edition 2010.

Chchchhhhaannggess

Things are happening in my life right now that I am not able to share.

But, I am excited for them none the less. They will make me a better, more self confident ME.

Side note...

Yanno when you thought you had friends, then, suddenly, they get sorted out for you? It is hard.

I think I am a lot like Michael Scott (yeah- from the Office.) I tend to romanticize relationships. In my head I make them more then what they really are. These are friendships, too. In my head I think I have a friend (it takes a lot to get to be my f-word). I think we are on the same page, that we are partners in crime, that we may as well get matching tattoos.

In reality... not even close.

Eh. It is okay. I guess that happens when you grow up.

Anywho. I will keep you all posted on Changes - Fall Edition 2010.

xo
ciw.

fyi. THIS is what I would do.

I don't know about anyone else out there, but after hearing someones story about some personal issue that they are going through or something like that, I tend to think... "how would I handle that?". I don't think it is about judging someone, it is more about learning from what they are doing.

For instance.. I have a co-worker whose significant other was in the hospital for a period of time. Nothing life threatening. I promise. It was for monitoring. Okayfine she is pregnant... and she was on bed rest. In a VERY good hospital. Every night my coworker would leave work and go stay in the hospital. Every night. For four weeks.

They have two dogs, they were moving apartments, but instead... she chose to go stay at the hospital. Her mom took the dogs and packed her apartment and cleaned the old place once the move happened.

I know... I get it... this is very noble. And blablahblahbalh.

This was something that I could learn from and gave me an opportunity to open up a conversation with Mic that went something like this:

Me: "Honey... HONEY!... LISTEN!"

Mic: "Yes dear.. I am listening" (obviously she is used to my random, completely out of the blue tangents that are increasingly becoming harder to follow the more I turn into my mother.)

Me: "Honey.. I need you to know.. if I am EVER in the hospital for a non life threatening reason... it just ISN'T necessary that you stay with me every night. You can just pop in.. tell me about your day... and then leave"

Mic: "oh.. oh.. um.. okay..."

Me: I look at her through squinty eyes..."You wouldn't have stayed anyways would you?"

Mic: "Is this where I am supposed to say I would never leave your side... because.. "

Me: "ohnevermind"

I think with age and learning from past relationships comes a certain sense of independence. I love my "time". I know it is a pretty basic way of thinking - but the more time we have apart, the more we savor our time together.

At the end of this month, we will celebrate our 5 year anniversary. When it is a celebration between she and I, we don't do big fancy things. Just knowing that she has chosen me and I her.. that is celebration enough. I feel so blessed that I have found someone who can (somehow) put up with my overly emotional tangents, my 100% desire to do something, start it... then get bored with it, my horrible habit of taking my socks of in bed.. then leaving them there, my night owl-ness and so many more things. Just as much as I adore her frankness, how smart she is, her crazy fear of killing bugs, her initial shyness when she meets new people and then, when she decides she feels comfortable enough--- lets them into her life with complete love.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg

I have a feeling this 5th year is going to be a doozy!

Aaahh... 5 years together.... it feels like 15 minutes...under water.

(harhar)

I hate local phone numbers.

Now, every time my phone rings and it is a local number, my heart stops.

This is what happened today:

I drove up to gods creation to deliver some info to a nice older woman who manages some senior living facilities. It was a convenient time to do it as I wanted NOTHING to do with "real work" today.

The radio was cranked the whole way up, I was singing, and I had- in my mind- already relocated to this SUPER CUTE TOWN. Simply adorable.

I pull into the parking lot and as soon as I turn off the ignition, my phone rings. It is a local number. It rings again. And I think dearJESUScaseyYOU don't have ANY CreditorsAFTERyouJUSTpickUPtheDAMN PHONE.

Rings again.

"Hello?"

"Hi this is blahblah from Children Service Society--"

When I heard him say cssw... I almost fainted, and time completely stopped. In the ONE SECOND that came after CSSW I thought:

omg. the car seat is in the garage
I am way the fork north of the city, he is on a cell phone the kid is in the car I can't get home for 45 minutes. Mic's emergency number is on my desk. The bottles aren't washed. My dear GOD.

Then blahblah says, "I was wondering if you and Mic are still interested in becoming foster parents?"

*blink*

WTF???

I respond... "Uh" "what?"

He goes on to say that we had shown interest in foster parenting and hewaswonderingif.....

I stop him...

"We are licensed already... we have been for a week...and I almost fainted because I thought you were calling me with placement."

He apologized and shuffled papers and said goodbye.

I suppose that was bound to happen.