My brother..

10 years older then me..

He and I have always been compared... even though I didn't like to be. Why couldn't have have been beautiful like my sisters, and compared to them instead?

He has had three (possibly 4) strokes in the last few years. Why would I say possibly? Because he chooses not to share his life with us. I am coming to the conclusion that my brother-- my big brother-- the one who would tickle torture me and give me whisker burn and just generally tease me as any big brother should... is a compulsive liar.

He moved away when he was right out of high school and I believe it started then. We never really knew where he lived, who he lived with... he went through jobs pretty rapidly.. he ended up moving back with my parents... back and fourth a number of times.

He lost his businesses.

He lost his wife.

I truly believe he is dealing with depression deeper then any I have touched the surface of.

He doesn't know when to stop. We, as a family, have given him numerous... NUMEROUS times to come clean... to tell us where he is really working... who he is really dating.... where he really got the brand new Harley he drives around on. Time and time again, he has chosen to tell us stories. We all know the truths..

He has been telling us for many months he has had a job at a restaurant chain. My mom and sister decided to stop in on him today to say hi. They asked for him... the staff looked at each other ...Um.. he worked here for a little bit ... but hasn't worked here for at least 4 months.
My mom (who never shows emotion) started crying. She knew she has been lied to again. They left. They called him. He said he had the day off.. they explained what happened.. he said they were mistaken.. that he just got his paycheck on Friday.

What???

ARE YOU SERIOUS???

My mom is crushed.. my dad is crushed... my sister can't stop shaking... everyone is pissed. I don't know what we can do for him. My parents who are in their 70's have been paying his rent for him since his last stroke... they don't want to go to Florida this winter as they are afraid something will happen to him.. they don't want to stop paying for his insurance becuase then he wont get the help he needs.

I feel like walking away..

But who can walk away from family?

We are a dysfunctional bunch.. me and my family... the stories of my childhood well.. wait.. I will say my parents tried their best.. and they raised us much like they were raised.

All my mom ever asked us while growing up was to tell her the truth. That was IT. That is all she wanted. Granted.. there were times even in my life that it was a challenge to do that... then, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any reason to hide anymore.

I am venting, I am sorry.. I am swimming in frustration....

He needs help.

Again.

Very funny....

Someone sent this card to me today..

Well.. EDWARD CULLEN sent this card to me today :)

It plays music.






Isn't he sweet?

None of my friends are fessing up...I think it is hilarious..

Win... Win....

1st win: The Packers... uuufffDA! Dat's da way boys!

2nd win: Oktoberfest. What a way to spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon! I wonder if the Oktoberfest of 200 years ago were as good without porta-potties and Miller Lite on College Ave in Appleton... I just wonder...Oh- and p-flag selling chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick right next to the pentecostals selling hot pretzels. There was an odd silence between the booths. No amount of sugar and salty dough could a truce make.


We had a great time! The Ave. was packed... (just as many people in the other direction of photo, too) we ran into lots of old acquaintances and friends... and had quite the time. Thank the gods for buses that cost a quarter (though-careful.. .it IS Appleton, and apparently there is no need for them to run after 6:30. huh? true!) Truth be told: most people over 30 couldn't MAKE it TO 6:30. huh? true.

Bucket List..

I am following Two Mom's with a Plan's lead and posting my bucket list... she had her birthday yesterday-- and mine is next month, and I thought it was a good idea.

I tried to make it obtainable.. I could put a bunch of different bullet points about climbing Mt. Everest and finding my way out of the rain forest.. but ew... why would I want to? That's what they make trams and tour guides for.

Things to do before I die:
(as if it is a good thing to dwell more on my death) ( ugh.)

In no order:

• Go to Las Vegas
• Learn to knit
• Throw a big kitchy flamingo party where everyone has to wear pink-- and DOES.
• Lose 85lbs. (not BECAUSE I am dying.. but to prolong it a bit)
• Drive to the Northwest coast (Oregon)-- and stay in a cabin on the ocean... then fly back.
• Quit my day job to become a stay at home mom- and be REALLY good at it
• Learn how to make a really yummy meal- and have a big dinner party
• Learn how to drive stick
• Bike the Elroy Sparta Trail
• Volunteer with gay teens
• Take a photography class
• Buy rental property
• Spend a week(end) on a silent retreat -- I could NEVER do a whole week.
• join a league of some sort...
• Travel to: Trinidad, P-Town, Scotland, Nova Scotia,
• Have a past life regression
• See the Paulding Light and the Porcupine Mountains
• Attend Big Top Chautauqua
• Go kayaking
• Take a cruise

Okay- I think that is about it for now-- anyone else want to make a list?

Me and the old lady...

Mic and I went down to the courthouse on Friday filled out some paperwork, plopped down some cash and we were asked to raise our right hands, say the "I Do's" .. and now we are Domestic Partners in the state of Wisconsin.

The people at the courthouse could NOT have been more nice. Mic even had to go get a birth certificate (the one her mom gave her was the wrong one LOL) and they were able to make her a copy within 5 minutes. During the "I Do's.." Mic got choked up (which she SWORE wouldn't happen) and I cried.. of course. Now, we need to go back in a week and sign it.

We know this isn't marriage.... but it is something. I sincerely thought that I would walk away not feeling any different. But I did... something felt DIFFERENT. The law was on our side... if even only on a few topics. We had something to back our relationship. I can't really figure out how to describe it.. I CAN say that I can't WAIT until we can become civilly married. I am sure that has to be an amazing feeling. It WILL happen. We will be granted those rights. For now, this is what we are able to get...and we have taken advantage of it.

Backup.. I do have to mention our adorable housemate, Rebecca... she is honestly one of the funniest and caring people I know. She presented a frame that she bought for Mic and I to put the certificate in... she also gave us our rings.... the best, strawberry and blue raspberry... :)
One of my oldest and dearest friends, Nonny and her hubby sent us a wonderful card and gift card and a high school friend sent a card as well..... I feel loved. People are so thoughtful.. I need to be more like that.

Mic and I went home to our waiting car all packed and ready to go on our camping "honeymoon" in Lake Kegonsa State Park. We had SO MUCH FUN. I am SO not a camper.... but we have now started talking about getting a trailer so it will be easier when a kid enters our life.. Granted, that conversation creeped me out-- not the kid part---- the CAMPER part... who have I become?!?!? I mean, lord.. there were PIT TOILETS. What? Thank the gods I brought my fancy bathroom spray, just in case. and LORD did it came in handy. The shower building was brand new, though- that was a treat! (did I just SAY that?) It was super dog friendly-- dog beach, dog trails.. etc etc. Next time, maybe we will be brave and bring Cosmo...

I am exhausted.

I am tired.

And I can't wait to take a shower without pushing a button every 15 seconds to make water come out.

As I thought..

The wedding was absolutely beautiful...held in Como Park in St. Paul, MN....My cousin and his new bride had their very close friend (who happens to be a lesbian) get her "minister" license over the internet and she did the service. It was breathtaking. I have never been to a more personalized, from- the- heart service. Everyone was in happy tears from the moment they rode in on their bikes, to the time they rode away on a tandem bike with a "Just Married" sign on it.. she wore a beautiful brown strapless floor length dress... and for the ride out, pulled up her dress to show off some really fun lace leggings... adorable!

It was really touching when the minister gave a sort of run down about people who were involved with the service... and how everyone came together to create it... including her wife, Amelia. The service then officially started with her making a statement that Chris and Mandy realize they are very lucky to be able to legally get married, and they hope that soon everyone has that same right- that they support people in all kinds of relationships. (though, of course it was said in a very eloquent way) .... *TEARS*

There was a formal brunch afterward with a jazz band playing, and again, a million other totally unique and personal touches...

Holy cow.. everyone there were BEAUTIFUL, natural, granola-ish, people.

It forced me to see a personal trainer tonight.

I thought I was going to die.

That is a story for another day.

I had a fantastic weekend with my sisters and my mom... we had many many laughs, many stories to share with one another and I couldn't imagine spending a weekend with more amazing women. They are my heros...and I am lucky enough to call them family.

It is almost

as if the cricket outside our bedroom window hates ME more then I hate IT.

Every.single.night I lay awake to its chirping.. (it might as well be fingernails on a chalkboard, or ice chewing, or some sort of torture device found in the museum portion of Medieval Times)...it's like it has a vendetta against me.

In past summers I would go outside, in my pajamas, with a broom and shoo it away. Now we have a new neighbor next door and they come outside at odd times....that is all I would need is him to walk outside and see me under my bedroom window (almost on his driveway) in my pajamas, with a broom (that sounds like I just solved Clue!).

I may have to take my chances.

Off to St. Paul tomorrow for my cousins wedding. I haven't a single thing to wear, so, I am off to the store tonight to find something. Let me tell you how much this sucks when you are fat. Nothing like clothes shopping to push you right over the edge before you jump into a minivan with your older sisters and your mom for a 6 hour drive.

Oh--- it will be one of those "interesting" weekends, I can feel it!