I wish

There was a way to avoid this. I have to believe that I am making the right decision. I have tried to explain to Mic probably a dozen times that it isn't her.

I have always wanted a big family. I see myself as a mom of many. Some children perhaps wander in, some are placed... but I love having kids of all ages around me. Babies are cute and challenging, toddlers are amazing to watch as they discover new things, pre teens are fantastic when trying to figure out who they are, and teens are a riot.

I am not fruit loop. I know they all suck at those ages, too. LOL

The point is, that is what I see in my life. I should have known in the first month that mic and I were seeing each other when she said she didn't want a family, that perhaps this wasn't the road I should have taken. But I chose it. And I have loved it. I love Mic. She has treated me like a queen. The truth is, resentment has started to enter. I know that some people wont understand it because we don't have kids.. but I don't want just one. I don't want someone to put these rules on my life. I don't blame Mic.. she was stepping out of HER comfort zone, and her desires to even follow the path of foster/adoption. I also believe she would have started resenting me... if she hasn't already... in my baby obsession...because the truth is that she didn't want it as much as me.

That doesn't make her a bad person, it doesn't make ME a bad person. We are who we are. I, in my heart of hearts, believe we will continue to care for one another. Truth be told, I am feeling the most calm around her I have in a while.

I don't know that she would feel the same... but that is something I can HOPE for... and perhaps someday she will share ... or she will tell me to eff off. Either way, I will have to handle that.

I will be continuing with my foster/adopt license... as a single mom.

I went to see an apartment today. I absolutely loved it. I loved the feeling I got when I went into it, I loved the warmth.. the neighborhood.. everything. I am going to apply for it. It is in a neighborhood that is a moment away from my sister, and a moment away from my life for the last 6 years. I told Mic that I wanted to be close-ish without being weird.. so I can help with Cosmo, or if she needs help around the house.

I want her to be okay.

I guess I have felt like this with every break up I have had. I have always felt there is no reason for bad blood. We have spent many years together, this person knows me inside and out.. farts and all... she has been the most important thing in my life for almost 6 years. That doesn't change because we have different life plans/desires.

Yes. I want her to be okay. I want her to be treated like the queen.

I hurt her.

I didn't mean to. I didn't want things to turn out this way.

Sometimes opposites attract... and it is wonderful for a lifetime..
and sometimes opposites attract and we love as much as we can for as long as we can... but don't quite make it a lifetime. It becomes too comfortable, and sometimes we lose who we are.

Though it was me who made this decision, I have never felt so low. I have never felt the pain I have. I don't even think it was as bad as when Lisa was dying.. as we had time to prepare.

I have hurt so many people with this decision- have ruined lives - have shattered hearts. But, I can't stay in a relationship and not give my all freely.

I think sometimes people would be able to handle it better if one of us cheated-- if we were a horrid person. The truth is, we are both great people. She is a WONDERFUL WOMAN. We are just different. I would never ask her to change who she is to make me happy.

My heart aches. My bones ache. Food wont stay in my stomach.

When did I live my life for others so much so a decision that I need to make for myself is so difficult?

She is angry. I don't blame her. There is much more that I could write about- but I can't do it here. I just know there are many who have wondered where I have been...

I'm done

praying about it.

Prayers wasted.

sad...but will be fine :)

we got another call today. Details were given, we told CWIII that we are very interested and please call ASAP with the decision.

Three hours later (it might as well have been 232394 hours later) I got an email that baby girl was placed with another family.

Two broken hearts later, we have to muster up faith that another call wont be too far behind. And that little baby girl is safe and warm with her new family that will give her the best life possible.

Interesting.

Why is this blog popular in the Middle East?

hmmmmm....

Happy Mothers Day

And please universe let this be THE LAST ONE as as a "waiting" mom.

I think this is the third year that I have said this.

oohhh.. GOOD TIMES!

Okay-- here is a roof picture. I am going to follow Mark's suggestion and let it keep rolling for at least a few more posts.



In this one, we walked around the corner and Mic had a panic attack. I failed at getting a picture of the panic attack.

This weekend we stained the deck, and now I can't wipe my butt, my arms hurt so bad.

Woah- it has been a while, eh?

And yet nothing that I really feel I can or want to share. Nothing that I feel I have the right to share. Just a lot... .

Oh- and then there was work. Ah yes, and then the craziness at the bar. Then the normal stuff like laundry and a new roof.

Life is normal right now. As normal as to be expected.

Soon, right? It will happen soon.

CW3 emailed to set up another appointment. I am refusing. I will wait until the last moment. She may be my jinx.

Any whoooooo ;)