Life.

I am feeling optimistic. I have to believe I have made this decision for ME. For two weeks I have been feeling immense guilt. Mind and body numbing guilt.... and I didn't really get it. I didn't get why if I was the one making this decision, why I felt so horrible?

I have a friend who pointed out something very interesting. I grew up in a home that was often run by alcohol instead of clarity. Because of that, I know how bad/sad/disappointed/upset/frustrated/etc etc etc.. someone can feel. Because I spent a lot of time feeling those ways as a child, I, now as an adult, never want anyone to feel that way. ESPECIALLY at my hand.

Wow. Is that the truth. It hurts me tremendously when I let people down. More so than anyone I know.

Because of that-- I feel guilt because I let Mic down... a decision I made had a negative impact on her.

I am glad I know that information... now what to do with it?

I wish

There was a way to avoid this. I have to believe that I am making the right decision. I have tried to explain to Mic probably a dozen times that it isn't her.

I have always wanted a big family. I see myself as a mom of many. Some children perhaps wander in, some are placed... but I love having kids of all ages around me. Babies are cute and challenging, toddlers are amazing to watch as they discover new things, pre teens are fantastic when trying to figure out who they are, and teens are a riot.

I am not fruit loop. I know they all suck at those ages, too. LOL

The point is, that is what I see in my life. I should have known in the first month that mic and I were seeing each other when she said she didn't want a family, that perhaps this wasn't the road I should have taken. But I chose it. And I have loved it. I love Mic. She has treated me like a queen. The truth is, resentment has started to enter. I know that some people wont understand it because we don't have kids.. but I don't want just one. I don't want someone to put these rules on my life. I don't blame Mic.. she was stepping out of HER comfort zone, and her desires to even follow the path of foster/adoption. I also believe she would have started resenting me... if she hasn't already... in my baby obsession...because the truth is that she didn't want it as much as me.

That doesn't make her a bad person, it doesn't make ME a bad person. We are who we are. I, in my heart of hearts, believe we will continue to care for one another. Truth be told, I am feeling the most calm around her I have in a while.

I don't know that she would feel the same... but that is something I can HOPE for... and perhaps someday she will share ... or she will tell me to eff off. Either way, I will have to handle that.

I will be continuing with my foster/adopt license... as a single mom.

I went to see an apartment today. I absolutely loved it. I loved the feeling I got when I went into it, I loved the warmth.. the neighborhood.. everything. I am going to apply for it. It is in a neighborhood that is a moment away from my sister, and a moment away from my life for the last 6 years. I told Mic that I wanted to be close-ish without being weird.. so I can help with Cosmo, or if she needs help around the house.

I want her to be okay.

I guess I have felt like this with every break up I have had. I have always felt there is no reason for bad blood. We have spent many years together, this person knows me inside and out.. farts and all... she has been the most important thing in my life for almost 6 years. That doesn't change because we have different life plans/desires.

Yes. I want her to be okay. I want her to be treated like the queen.

I hurt her.

I didn't mean to. I didn't want things to turn out this way.

Sometimes opposites attract... and it is wonderful for a lifetime..
and sometimes opposites attract and we love as much as we can for as long as we can... but don't quite make it a lifetime. It becomes too comfortable, and sometimes we lose who we are.

Though it was me who made this decision, I have never felt so low. I have never felt the pain I have. I don't even think it was as bad as when Lisa was dying.. as we had time to prepare.

I have hurt so many people with this decision- have ruined lives - have shattered hearts. But, I can't stay in a relationship and not give my all freely.

I think sometimes people would be able to handle it better if one of us cheated-- if we were a horrid person. The truth is, we are both great people. She is a WONDERFUL WOMAN. We are just different. I would never ask her to change who she is to make me happy.

My heart aches. My bones ache. Food wont stay in my stomach.

When did I live my life for others so much so a decision that I need to make for myself is so difficult?

She is angry. I don't blame her. There is much more that I could write about- but I can't do it here. I just know there are many who have wondered where I have been...