decision made.

I will be moving to another blog. I don't want the memories that I have written here to be forgotten.. I just want to move along. I have had many "blogs" in the past. All different parts of my life. On Blurty and LiveJournal and Wordpress and here. I have met great friends from all of them. Literally. Blurty brought me my Anne... and a few more, LJ brought me my friend Johnny and others.. and Blogger has brought me all of you.

Pages are being turned and new chapters are beginning...documenting change (but mostly my boring life) has always been something I have enjoyed.

I will be thinking of a name today and doing some set up. If you are interested in getting the new address, just email me at ihaverightstoo at yahoo dot com.

I hope that you follow as I have LOVED reading all of your comments... and all of the support you have given me has not gone unnoticed. You have all touched my life...

xo
ciw

Hoo-ha and tv

I am home quickly before I go get something cut out from the inside of me in the hoo-ha regions...and I insisted on coming home for a shower first...I guess it is kind of the same reason you brush your teeth before going to the dentist. I hope this doctor doesn't tell me to floss more often.

Also my friend brought me over a digital converter box so that I can watch tv. Bless her heart. I still won't get cable..I just don't want to spend money on that...but this will subside the shakes for a little while. Have I ever mentioned to you how much I love tv? If I had Internet it wouldn't even be SO bad...but scratch idea. I like putting money in my savings too much.

I suppose I should move on..I am simply trying to avoid the stirrups.




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free wifi

I am on jury duty today and (God willing) tomorrow, too.

Free wifi, comfy chairs, cable tv, I am in jury duty heaven.

So, I REALLY don't want to change blogs and start a new one. I love my story... and think that it is an important part of who I am.. but is there a way to change the name?

I am clueless..

I should research it, but now that I have a full computer screen in front of me instead of my phone.. I really feel like catching up with all of you.

Okay!

It went very well ... And very quick. I upped my legal risk and talked about a future with older kids... And we had a great conversation! All of my paperwork was in order and I just need to get a TB test. Even though I just had one a year ago when I went through this. Dumb.

Today is a company picnic. If you didn't just see it, I rolled my eyes.




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Here we go!

Moving forward from the last post...

Floors washed (check)
Tables dusted (check)
Bathroom de-haired (check)
Bed made (check)
Positive attitude in place (check)

And advice from Mark from the last time I went through this:

Toilet flushed (check)
Wine in fridge for later (check)

I am all ready to get back on this roller coaster and for caseworker 3's (cw3) visit at noon!

Happy Friday, people!!!



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Updates

I am getting more and more settled into my apartment and have one last random box that is begging me to unpack it, but it is all pictures and I don't want to put things on the wall so willy-nilly. The walls will be there and I will figure out just how I want things.. I think I will be in this apartment for awhile, so there is no rush.

Mic's grandma died last week. She was an amazing and strong woman. I really enjoyed her..and whenever there is someone around me that dies, I am now wishing I had spend more time with her.

Mic asked me to be a the funeral, so of course I was there. It was the first time I would see her family since the break up. Yes. It WAS awkward. I just had to keep it in my head that I was there for Mic and grandma- and it wasn't about how comfortable I was or wasn't.

As I walked in her friends were surrounding her, and I was glad they were there for her. Her dad approached me and we both broke down crying as we hugged, her sister completely avoided me, and her mom was cordial. Mic said hi...and then the mass started. A few of the friends came to where I was sitting to
say hello. I am not going to lie... I was a big mess the whole time. Crying like a baby- but keeping it under wraps so I didn't look completely insane.

It really hit me at that point how people view break ups. I may be completely on my own little island with this thought process... But hear me out. I started thinking about my siblings and the breakups they went through with long term relationships. They, as well as my parents, are still in touch with every one of them. Even the ex wife of my brother. I am still in contact with my exes, and would consider one of them a very good friend. So, in my thought process, I feel like in life we are always evolving .. Always changing and realizing what we want from this very short time on earth. In my case with mic... I adore her.. I enjoy her... But on a daily basis (sometimes hourly) I would have to convince myself that we were doing the right thing in the foster process. I KNEW her thoughts on having a family were different than mine. It was driving me deeper and deeper into a hole because I felt I was changing my life plans because of someone else. It also wasn't fair that I was asking her for more than she was comfortable. Feelings changed for me, and it was simply time to move on.

My family and friends understood, supported my decision, and my friends and my mom and dad and sisters have all reached out to her in some fashion.. Telling her they love her.

I know that there are lots of people who think I am crazy when I try to explain all of this. Maybe I am. Believe me it would be different if there was cheating, or abuse or something like that...

What I just really want to happen is for mic and I to be ok with one another. For mic to be okay with me.

Onward.. My parents 50th wedding anniversary was yesterday. We had an intimate day with just my immediate family. We went to mass where they had their rings blessed, ate way too much at my sisters, and went on a boat tour of Milwaukee and my friend Angie met us at a park to take family pictures. I proudly was able to present a video I made for then and gave everyone a jump drive of all the slides I scanned for my parents. You could tell they were overjoyed the whole day :) I accidentally left my phone in the car with my two teenage nieces and have a 2836 pictures of them with fish faces. As my nieces get older and I enjoy them more and more- all of their quirky hormone raged selves, the idea of fostering teens continues to mull around in my brain. I think I will talk to CW3 when she comes over on Friday.

Ok... I have to be productive today and go make a curtain for my back hallway door. The neighbor has had some very close opportunities to see my nekkid butt, toweled wrapped body, or me binging at the counter on cheese and crackers. Yes. Time for a curtain, indeed.

Ps. Rebs, in the time frame of one week: was offered a job at an amazing funeral home, put her two weeks in at the craptastic funeral home, was escorted out- because they are asshats, and promptly broke both if her feet as she fell in a pothole.

I am overjoyed at the opportunity she has at this freaking AWESOME home, but this means she is moving an hour and a half away. :(


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Holy crap

I just wrote a HUGE entry on my phone only using my thumbs ... And it is gone.


Son of a.

The move

I simply couldn't have gotten through today without my friends. Anne started out my day with a hilarious voicemail giving me support and telling me what songs it is good to listen to today, and what songs to steer clear of... GOOD: I Can See Clearly Now... BAD: Gimme One Reason (Tracy Chapman). I talked to her later and told her that I am not even going to risk it and will keep all music off all day. :)

I got a couple of calls from my friend Traci, all chuck full of inspiring words. Even my mom called to see if she could bring over some fruit salad she just happen to make -- but she wasn't sure I had a refrigerator or chairs to sit on. Apparently she thought I was squatting in some condemned building or god knows what. She cracks me up.

Nonny wrote me a wonderful email :) I miss you, chica.

Then best of all my girls, Angie and Rebs both popped in after work and they brought me beautiful hydrangeas and groceries to start me out. I love them. They are EXACTLY who I needed to see at the end of this crazy day.

Thank you girls---you all mean the world to me. I love you.

So *exhale* here I am.

So far... So good :)



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Today and Tomorrow

Today I have been packing since 8am. It is now 6pm. I did have a small break to go to the doctor for a pap. I wish that said "I had a break for a big glass of wine".

Unfortunately, that didn't go well. I will post more when I know more.

Packing has one more level to go. Tomorrow I will get up early and take the dog to school, and sort some things out in the garage before the movers get here at 9am.

I am keeping my chin up as well as constantly saying a prayer that God will push me in the right direction to make me the person I am meant to be. You would think that I, being the one who is creating this life change, wouldn't be saying THAT prayer.. because you would think I have that figured out. Honestly, I don't. I am following my happiness. Other than continuing with the foster process.. I don't know what that means.

I have been thinking more about fostering teens. It wouldn't work right NOW because I don't have a large enough space.. but I do think it is in my future.

Okay. Back to the boxes.

Hey- thank you again for being so nice to me. :) Your words give me strength that I need. Keep Mic in your prayers, too. Thanks xoxo.

Dear

People who I once called friends...

Stop putting ideas into her head on what YOU think the truth is. I haven't lied. I have been truthful. If you (who have their own effed up relationship) don't like my reasons... Guess what? I.DON'T.CARE.

I'm starting to get pissed off.

It is interesting when something like this happens and peoples true colors start coming out. I refuse to stoop to their level. I refuse to make waves. That isn't who I am.

Breathe.

This too shall pass.


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honestly...

the kind words that you all have left and the time taken to read my "woes" are so helpful.. you have no idea... or maybe you do.

It feels a little bit better to know that I am not the first person to feel the way I do.

The moving date has been moved up. I want her to be able to heal and if I am around.. that isn't going to happen.

I have to get into my apartment-- and get it ready for Caseworker III to do a home inspection. Lets get back on this roller coaster :)

xo
ciw

Over stayed

I think I am over staying my welcome. It is hard for Mic to move on with me here... I think I am going to pack up as swiftly as I can... and move on.

We seemed to have caught a groove. We were doing okay. I was feeling at peace. Then she went out with a couple of friends of hers last night. I am going to guess they spent quite a bit of time talking about it... as I got texts from them today, and so did a friend of mine (which I think was completely out of line). Mic wrote a letter, and she was far more emotional today than she has been in a couple of weeks.

I don't mind her talking to them, as she needs to talk to someone. But if they are putting things in her head... then I will be pissed. The text that I got from one of them said.. "don't think that the grass is greener.. because it isn't... you will regret this" I am thinking, are they all thinking I am leaving mic for someone else?!!?!??! That isn't the case. Not for a moment. The grass will be greener because *I AM PLANTING MY OWN GRASS*. Smoke that, sister.

There were some other comments made.. but I don't want to dwell on it. I can't. I don't have the time or energy for drama. That is exactly what I wanted to escape. Mic and I shared almost 6 years together... she knows a LOT about me... and I her. There is no reason why there has to be a drama- snowball starting. I wont stand for it.

I am ready for some normalicy. Just a little. Please. preeettttttyyyy ppuullleeeeezzzeeeee.

Life.

I am feeling optimistic. I have to believe I have made this decision for ME. For two weeks I have been feeling immense guilt. Mind and body numbing guilt.... and I didn't really get it. I didn't get why if I was the one making this decision, why I felt so horrible?

I have a friend who pointed out something very interesting. I grew up in a home that was often run by alcohol instead of clarity. Because of that, I know how bad/sad/disappointed/upset/frustrated/etc etc etc.. someone can feel. Because I spent a lot of time feeling those ways as a child, I, now as an adult, never want anyone to feel that way. ESPECIALLY at my hand.

Wow. Is that the truth. It hurts me tremendously when I let people down. More so than anyone I know.

Because of that-- I feel guilt because I let Mic down... a decision I made had a negative impact on her.

I am glad I know that information... now what to do with it?

I wish

There was a way to avoid this. I have to believe that I am making the right decision. I have tried to explain to Mic probably a dozen times that it isn't her.

I have always wanted a big family. I see myself as a mom of many. Some children perhaps wander in, some are placed... but I love having kids of all ages around me. Babies are cute and challenging, toddlers are amazing to watch as they discover new things, pre teens are fantastic when trying to figure out who they are, and teens are a riot.

I am not fruit loop. I know they all suck at those ages, too. LOL

The point is, that is what I see in my life. I should have known in the first month that mic and I were seeing each other when she said she didn't want a family, that perhaps this wasn't the road I should have taken. But I chose it. And I have loved it. I love Mic. She has treated me like a queen. The truth is, resentment has started to enter. I know that some people wont understand it because we don't have kids.. but I don't want just one. I don't want someone to put these rules on my life. I don't blame Mic.. she was stepping out of HER comfort zone, and her desires to even follow the path of foster/adoption. I also believe she would have started resenting me... if she hasn't already... in my baby obsession...because the truth is that she didn't want it as much as me.

That doesn't make her a bad person, it doesn't make ME a bad person. We are who we are. I, in my heart of hearts, believe we will continue to care for one another. Truth be told, I am feeling the most calm around her I have in a while.

I don't know that she would feel the same... but that is something I can HOPE for... and perhaps someday she will share ... or she will tell me to eff off. Either way, I will have to handle that.

I will be continuing with my foster/adopt license... as a single mom.

I went to see an apartment today. I absolutely loved it. I loved the feeling I got when I went into it, I loved the warmth.. the neighborhood.. everything. I am going to apply for it. It is in a neighborhood that is a moment away from my sister, and a moment away from my life for the last 6 years. I told Mic that I wanted to be close-ish without being weird.. so I can help with Cosmo, or if she needs help around the house.

I want her to be okay.

I guess I have felt like this with every break up I have had. I have always felt there is no reason for bad blood. We have spent many years together, this person knows me inside and out.. farts and all... she has been the most important thing in my life for almost 6 years. That doesn't change because we have different life plans/desires.

Yes. I want her to be okay. I want her to be treated like the queen.

I hurt her.

I didn't mean to. I didn't want things to turn out this way.

Sometimes opposites attract... and it is wonderful for a lifetime..
and sometimes opposites attract and we love as much as we can for as long as we can... but don't quite make it a lifetime. It becomes too comfortable, and sometimes we lose who we are.

Though it was me who made this decision, I have never felt so low. I have never felt the pain I have. I don't even think it was as bad as when Lisa was dying.. as we had time to prepare.

I have hurt so many people with this decision- have ruined lives - have shattered hearts. But, I can't stay in a relationship and not give my all freely.

I think sometimes people would be able to handle it better if one of us cheated-- if we were a horrid person. The truth is, we are both great people. She is a WONDERFUL WOMAN. We are just different. I would never ask her to change who she is to make me happy.

My heart aches. My bones ache. Food wont stay in my stomach.

When did I live my life for others so much so a decision that I need to make for myself is so difficult?

She is angry. I don't blame her. There is much more that I could write about- but I can't do it here. I just know there are many who have wondered where I have been...

I'm done

praying about it.

Prayers wasted.

sad...but will be fine :)

we got another call today. Details were given, we told CWIII that we are very interested and please call ASAP with the decision.

Three hours later (it might as well have been 232394 hours later) I got an email that baby girl was placed with another family.

Two broken hearts later, we have to muster up faith that another call wont be too far behind. And that little baby girl is safe and warm with her new family that will give her the best life possible.

Interesting.

Why is this blog popular in the Middle East?

hmmmmm....

Happy Mothers Day

And please universe let this be THE LAST ONE as as a "waiting" mom.

I think this is the third year that I have said this.

oohhh.. GOOD TIMES!

Okay-- here is a roof picture. I am going to follow Mark's suggestion and let it keep rolling for at least a few more posts.



In this one, we walked around the corner and Mic had a panic attack. I failed at getting a picture of the panic attack.

This weekend we stained the deck, and now I can't wipe my butt, my arms hurt so bad.

Woah- it has been a while, eh?

And yet nothing that I really feel I can or want to share. Nothing that I feel I have the right to share. Just a lot... .

Oh- and then there was work. Ah yes, and then the craziness at the bar. Then the normal stuff like laundry and a new roof.

Life is normal right now. As normal as to be expected.

Soon, right? It will happen soon.

CW3 emailed to set up another appointment. I am refusing. I will wait until the last moment. She may be my jinx.

Any whoooooo ;)