**WARNING- THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME SOUND TOTALLY INSANE, BUT I NEED TO WORK THROUGH THIS**
Today, right after SLAMMED the basement door and stomped downstairs (simply because Mic was humming and cleaning) I took a few breaths and wondered what had gotten into me?
First I broke it down a bit
a) I was pissed off EXTREMELY because she was humming and cleaning.. why?
- I felt she was cleaning up after me, which immediately made me feel inadequate
and the phrases "dammit, Casey- just freaking pick your shit up- it would
make her HAPPY" ran through my mind..and "God, Casey- you LOSER.. now she
has to pick up your stuff, because you are so f-ing lazy"
Those thoughts came in my head in a nanosecond and left my head in a nanosecond. But that is the kind of talk that I have always done. If it is in regards to food, relationships, what I am worthy of, how I look etc.
"Why did I eat that? I have NO self control..I am so gross.. no wonder I am so ugly and fat"
"I can't go into that room of people and talk.. I am not nearly as pretty, I don't have a
great job, I don't have a family.. and what would I TALK to them about.. I will be THAT
girl that sits in the corner"
"I don't deserve a nice purse like that-- maybe once I feel better about myself.. when I lose
weight.. when I feel prettier.. THEN I can get that purse"
It is so bizarre to me how my mind works.. why I self doubt and have this horrible self esteem and self image.
I thought about all the blogs I read-- and how they are sunny and great, and everyone loves one another, and life is GRAAAANNND. I always read and walk away with a sense of "I want to be that happy.. that person is so in LOOOVVEEE... obviously they are doing something RIGHT!"
Then I look at the friends in my life... and I realize *I* do the same things to them. "My life is fantastic!" "We never fight!" "I am doing GREAT!"
While they are telling me all of their woes.
I think that in my head I want them to see me as "doing GREAT!" as IN MY HEAD.. I am self doubting myself from here to Switzerland and back. (But of course I could never go to Switzerland because everyone is so beautiful... gaaaaahhhhhh)
I feel like I am on this blogger "island" that I used to be on when I would journal by hand, too. Only blog/journal the happy! Why remember the ick? I am not going to blog exactly how I feel as I don't want anyone to think I am a nutcase! When- in reality- if I would have journaled/blogged the crazy all along, I wouldn't be starting to see a therapist on Tuesday.
*Exhale*
Now she is vacuuming and I am on the computer.
I blame her for NOTHING. She is doing what she is doing. She SHOULD be. She is very tidy, she follows through on things, she is focused. Where I am different... shiny things take my attention away, I go from one thing to another to another.
I think, when I ask her "is something bothering her?" and she 97% of the time says "no- nothing" -- when there IS something bothering me... I don't want to tell her- as I will look that much weaker. She has never showed her weakness. Other than bugs. She can't kill bugs. But she grew up in a great family, that have all stuck together (mine is a bunch of wandering hippies and we are a bit looney)...she has only had 3 jobs (I have had 1567 of them- and they all come with their own crazy story)...she is determined and when she puts her mind to it she does it (I float- I have great ideas that I will try for a bit... and then I get bored-- and then I move on)
We ARE DIFFERENT...it doesn't mean I love her any less. I just feel like no one out there ever talks about it-- so... it makes me feel like I am the only one.
I feel like the crazy one--
So- there you have it. This is a work in progress. This is me ranting and raving. This is me trying to figure this out.
*EXHALE*
I need to go take a shower... get on with my day.. put a smile on my face until I figure out how I CAN deal with my issues. As they are all mine---tied up in a rainbow colored bow. Because I couldn't figure out what color I liked best. And, if anyone else would like it-- as I wouldn't want to offend their color choice.
*eyeroll*
3 years ago
7 comments:
Casey- I think you are the same as a lot of people. Others just hide their feelings. You know me...I don't have anything positive to say about anything. Why am I like that? Who knows. Anyway, you are like A LOT of people. And Mic bothering you...that's like a bazzilion other relationships. I think it's GREAT you want to figure it out and feel better! Give me some tips along the way.
I don't think you're crazy at all. You and Mic are different but don't you see you balance each other out? When I look at my relationship with A we are very similar but I think I was attracted to the things about her that are so different from me that we balance.
A is very tidy too and is always cleaning up after me. So many days I feel bad-like I don't contribute enough. Other days if she puts my stuff away I get mad as hell. It is what it is and I've come to accept that we both bring different things to the relationship and our household.
As far as her annoying me...that shit happens around here too. Things don't go as planned, things are planned too much, I'm over-tired, she's over tired, I don't feel I'm getting enough attention, I feel like she's smothering me. See, poor woman can't win.There's a reason my blog is named as it is. :) It's called being human...and as humans we are irrational much of the time.
I don't often blog about the negative crap...or when I'm pissy and snappy at A for something she has no control over. I suppose I feel bad for being bitchy and just thankful she lets it slide and doesn't let it escalate into something more. You can love someone and still argue. No one is "perfect".
Now I suppose I should go apologize since she tripped over my shoes where I kicked them off in the entry. Luckily she didn't fall down the stairs and break her neck...but she sure used some great profanity.
I liked this post... it's real. I can't believe how many conversations I have, in my head, per day! Usually about food, why I'm eating, what I should be, why I'm not, etc. Then the conversations about everything else in my life!
I'm glad you're going to a therapist, but more so glad you're being honest with yourself... that's a great start!
Hang in there
is it out of line for me to say i think you're being too hard on yourself? my intention is not to invalidate your feelings, just to encourage you to give yourself a break.
I always have the same shit going on in my head and I used to journal it all, the good the bad and the ugly until I first started my blog and i tried to do just the pretty stuff so I wouldn't have strangers up in my business and now I figured f'it my life isn't all pretty and perfect (although, I really want it to look that way) and since not many people read my blog and I don't know any of them I can rant all I want without being worried about what some stranger thinks. Blog about it all!
Ummmm...this is the first time I've stumbled across your blog. I could have written that post myself, as what you are describing reflects my feelings as well. My shaky confidence, the endless berating self talk, the strong desire to get a grip on all of it. Only difference is...I started seeing my therapist a coupld of days ago. Glad I found it, I plan to follow along your journey...makes me feel less alone in all of this...I believe everything happens for a reason and I found this so....
Thank you all for your comments here. I HONESTLY feel so blessed to have you gals as my sounding board.
And Jojo thanks for joining- I look forward to getting to know you a bit!
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